We may no longer feed bananas to monkeys
in captivity
A travesty
for too long we have let them eat cake
freed mink reek havok
in unfree ecosystems
Intervention got it wrong
again
liberation may come in the form of
death
Test rabbits up in flames
going out with a bang may be better than
prison + torture
I am trapped
by money
by gender
by law
And escape may be the death of me
when the earthquake (tsunami, flood, ice-age, heat-wave, drought, extinction)
comes
honouring the spider in our kitchen
we don't swing our arms too high
observe her each day
she may be the most free
may we learn from her web
Tuesday, 14 January 2014
Friday, 8 November 2013
de/institutionalizing children in an institutional world
As a young adult who was raised without school, and who has remained a life-long unschooler, I am beginning to notice that my ability to handle institutional violence is very low. I'm interested in considering the bigger meaning of this, in terms of how we can best support children to function within this institutional (fucked up!) world, without simply requiring them to get used to institutionalization. While unschoolers aren't saved from all forms of oppression (systems of oppression can play out in the home, or in other institutions such as hospitals, or like, pretty much anywhere), we do have the privilege of skipping out on the every day institutionalization that the majority of children experience. I've always thought of this as a net-positive, hands down. Skipping violence? Good! I've wished to pass on these experiences to other children and I still dream of this. I've started to notice, though, that I am exceedingly, sometimes incapacitatingly sensitive to institutional violence, which makes functioning in this world really fucking difficult. Could this be related to the relative little experience with (educational, particularly) institutions that I've grown up with? I'm not about to say we should keep institutionalizing kids so that they're equipped to handle institutions later in their lives, as they inevitably will have to (until the revolution, of course!). I am looking for a way to deal with this as an adult unschooler, committed to anti-institutional values, interacting with work place institutions and 'higher education' which, while elective, is hard to get by without at times. To deal both with my own experience in the world (crying every time I interact with an institution is unsustainable) and with questions of how to support children who will grow up in a similar world.
My path at this time seems to be leading in the direction of working with children, and I still don't know what that will look like in the long run (most likely it will look like many different things). I must balance my values and goals for positively impacting the lives of children and families with the reality of my abilities/desires/protective needs. There may be spaces where I can seemingly be most useful, or impact the lives of 'average' kids, but which will destroy me. There may be other spaces which fit my ideals at face value, but fail to engage with the children most at risk of institutional violence. How can I (and we) manage these complexities?
I've done a lot of "this is radical, that's not radical, you can only do any good in this environment, that environment, blah blah blah..." and I'm bored of that. I've devalued my own work and trials and have dismissed the work of others. I've had huge defensive fights with people who've had different experiences than me and thus see different problems and different solutions. I'm working really hard now to value my own efforts and that of others. We're all fucking trying, and it's all imperfect, and we need well intentioned folks in all sorts of environments, institutional or alternative or what the fuck ever. Above all, I think that any of us trying to work with young'uns (or in any work, actually) gotta base it on what we can do without crushing our own fucking souls. If we try to be self-less, we will end up soul-less. Luckily, we each need and want different things and thrive in different environments, so rad folks do end up everywhere.
Okay, back to my experience as an unschooler.
It's important I don't generalize that my experience of extreme sensitivity is shared by all or even any unschoolers. I don't know enough life-long unschoolers to really survey this. I do see, though, that many of my friends, peers and comrades who have been in 'educational' institutions for most of their lives, while sharing anti-institutional sentiment, can manage this contradiction (participating in something which they have deep critical analysis of) much more smoothly than I can. Having been forced to do very little, really, in my life, I freak the fuck out when I am in coercive environments (even if I'm choosing to be there). Perhaps the world would be better off if more of us had a deep visceral reaction to the injustices inherent in institutions, but we do live in this world, and does it serve us to not be able to function in it?
When I complain of the violence I witness or experience in the institutions I now interact with to folks who have been schooled most of their lives, I come off something like an upper-middle class art school kid complaining to his working class friends that he is broke. Boofuckinghoo, I'm getting a taste of what others chew and partly by my own choice? But because my reactions are congruent with my (and my friends') politics, I easily feel justified in my complaints. Yes, we all wish these institutions didn't exist, so yes, we are all critical. But how useful is it for me, as someone in this regard privileged, to just crumble under the stress that many face their entire lives, and subsequently expect the sympathy of those with more experience of ('educational') institutions?
I've been thinking about this, fretting about it, fighting about it, talking about it with a lot of people and these are all just questions and realizations I've come to with a lot of help. Certain people very close to me deserve huge props for tolerating it and immensely aiding in my development of ideas. When it comes down to it, I can't tell if I'm just really sensitive, or if having been unschooled has something to do with it. There's no perfect way to raise kids in a fucked up world, or to function as an adult in a fucked up world. I'm just trying my darndest, and I guess I hope that the more I understand my own experiences, the better I can move forward inevitably impacting the experiences of little folks (for better and worse).
My path at this time seems to be leading in the direction of working with children, and I still don't know what that will look like in the long run (most likely it will look like many different things). I must balance my values and goals for positively impacting the lives of children and families with the reality of my abilities/desires/protective needs. There may be spaces where I can seemingly be most useful, or impact the lives of 'average' kids, but which will destroy me. There may be other spaces which fit my ideals at face value, but fail to engage with the children most at risk of institutional violence. How can I (and we) manage these complexities?
I've done a lot of "this is radical, that's not radical, you can only do any good in this environment, that environment, blah blah blah..." and I'm bored of that. I've devalued my own work and trials and have dismissed the work of others. I've had huge defensive fights with people who've had different experiences than me and thus see different problems and different solutions. I'm working really hard now to value my own efforts and that of others. We're all fucking trying, and it's all imperfect, and we need well intentioned folks in all sorts of environments, institutional or alternative or what the fuck ever. Above all, I think that any of us trying to work with young'uns (or in any work, actually) gotta base it on what we can do without crushing our own fucking souls. If we try to be self-less, we will end up soul-less. Luckily, we each need and want different things and thrive in different environments, so rad folks do end up everywhere.
Okay, back to my experience as an unschooler.
It's important I don't generalize that my experience of extreme sensitivity is shared by all or even any unschoolers. I don't know enough life-long unschoolers to really survey this. I do see, though, that many of my friends, peers and comrades who have been in 'educational' institutions for most of their lives, while sharing anti-institutional sentiment, can manage this contradiction (participating in something which they have deep critical analysis of) much more smoothly than I can. Having been forced to do very little, really, in my life, I freak the fuck out when I am in coercive environments (even if I'm choosing to be there). Perhaps the world would be better off if more of us had a deep visceral reaction to the injustices inherent in institutions, but we do live in this world, and does it serve us to not be able to function in it?
When I complain of the violence I witness or experience in the institutions I now interact with to folks who have been schooled most of their lives, I come off something like an upper-middle class art school kid complaining to his working class friends that he is broke. Boofuckinghoo, I'm getting a taste of what others chew and partly by my own choice? But because my reactions are congruent with my (and my friends') politics, I easily feel justified in my complaints. Yes, we all wish these institutions didn't exist, so yes, we are all critical. But how useful is it for me, as someone in this regard privileged, to just crumble under the stress that many face their entire lives, and subsequently expect the sympathy of those with more experience of ('educational') institutions?
I've been thinking about this, fretting about it, fighting about it, talking about it with a lot of people and these are all just questions and realizations I've come to with a lot of help. Certain people very close to me deserve huge props for tolerating it and immensely aiding in my development of ideas. When it comes down to it, I can't tell if I'm just really sensitive, or if having been unschooled has something to do with it. There's no perfect way to raise kids in a fucked up world, or to function as an adult in a fucked up world. I'm just trying my darndest, and I guess I hope that the more I understand my own experiences, the better I can move forward inevitably impacting the experiences of little folks (for better and worse).
Saturday, 26 October 2013
fortress
home is a fruit fly fortress, a slow-cooker cave
we want wild and slow, unplugged connections
there is broth boiling, there are herbs drying
aroma seeps into my dreams
we operate on warmth, avoid burn-out
following our hearts as they lead us homeward, always homeward
homebody hearts and defiant souls ask
Are the streets the only places for struggle?
there is a yearning for more
collectivity, interconnection
in the comfort of our fortress we are safe
isolated
where is the in between? where care and combat come together?
i dream of warmth from the ashes of this city
and home cooked meals to share
we want wild and slow, unplugged connections
there is broth boiling, there are herbs drying
aroma seeps into my dreams
we operate on warmth, avoid burn-out
following our hearts as they lead us homeward, always homeward
homebody hearts and defiant souls ask
Are the streets the only places for struggle?
there is a yearning for more
collectivity, interconnection
in the comfort of our fortress we are safe
isolated
where is the in between? where care and combat come together?
i dream of warmth from the ashes of this city
and home cooked meals to share
Sunday, 20 October 2013
Fermenting Revolution, Culturing Care
A lot of response to my last piece touched on the idea of "self-care."
It would seem that this is what I was writing about, or at least what ended up being read. I am disappointed by this, not because I disdain all elements of self-care culture/rhetoric or because I don't factor that into my life, but because the fact that self-care ended up being the topic of what I wrote tells me a lot about why, though I am feeling much better, I'm still feeling hints of depression in odd moments. It is the reason why "My life is meaningful because..." isn't enough to keep me out of a funk.
Don't get me wrong, I respect people that practice (non-consumption based) self-care and I certainly practice it myself. I am not trying to write (yet another) critique of the concept. The reality is, however, that the revolutionary spirit that drives me is towards cultural shift, not private well-being. I want to blur these lines because for me to really be well, caring for others is integral. I cannot take care of myself alone, and without taking care of others (or a broader "community") my self-care goals are unattainable. While I recognize the importance of crediting myself for living the way that I do, it's just not radical if it is individual. Yes, the personal is political, and we should all strive to live our ideals in our personal lives, but if we aren't bringing our ideals into the public sphere, it's not revolutionary.
ALL THAT SAID, there are times and places for focusing inward! I have gotten to this place because I have needed it, my personal life has felt unstable enough that I must focus on righting it before I could look outward again. There is no shame in this, and we must respect each others' choices and reasons for doing such.
For myself, though, I am tired of focusing only inward. I feel an urge and an impulse to live my ideals in another direction. I want to create care culture, not just self-care accepting culture. My utopia does not consist of a bunch of people cooking their meals, meditating, reading, writing, or making sauerkraut- alone.
When I wrote about how our focus on "action" can be really dismissive of those who do not "act," I suppose I was looking primarily at action that builds a culture of resistance. I am so happy that there are tons of people building this culture! I am equally excited about action towards solidarity culture (maybe this is a vague umbrella), and a culture of consent (for me, this action usually looks like setting good boundaries in all areas of life and handling the discomfort created). What I think is missing in focus, is culture of care. Maybe it's there to some extent, and we don't talk about it. Maybe we don't talk about it because patriarchy teaches us it's not worth noting. Maybe we don't talk about it because we've all been trained that (once we are adults) it is the role of a) ourselves, b) institutions/profesionals, and c) our monogamous partners to care for us. All of us who are involved in radical cultural struggle are doing it because we "care" at an emotional or intellectual level (hopefully both), but not all of us consider the direct and social labour of caring.
So I am looking for feedback, for what people think creating a culture of care (outside of self-care or even 1 to 1 relationship care) would take. What kinds of public "action" demonstrates radical generousity, mutual aid, and caring culture?
For now, I am fermenting.
Here's my recipe for self-fermentation:
Step 1: Harvest
As soon as a vegetable is separated from it's roots, certain organisms (heterofermentative bacteria!) begin to flourish. To take advantage of this, I must accept I am no longer rooted. I do not have what I once did, I am not connected in the ways I used to be. My identity must shift from plant to food. It's hard to accept that I am no longer what I once was, that what built me (in this case, as an anarchist) is no longer in my life. What I have depended on to feel useful, what others still point to when they say "you do lots of rad stuff," I no longer do. This is okay. Let the next phase begin.
Step 2: Chop
OUCH!
Need I say more?
Step 3: Salt and massage
This part still stings. I think it's where I'm at right now. Salting and massaging chopped cabbage breaks down the cell walls, lets the moisture out. I am raw, vulnerable, aware that my state is shifting but it's hard to know what into. It's a scary place to be, one that works best if not rushed, and pretty uncomfortable.
Step 4: Submerge (heterofermentation begins)
This part stinks. Literally. Heterofermentative bacteria produce carbon dioxide, acetic acid, lactic acid and more, and smells like rot. It's bubbly, it's messy. It serves to create the environment (acidic) for homofermentative lactic acid bacteria, which is what creates the desired result. So it's a messy phase, and a necessary one. It produces many products, one of which turns out to be particularly useful.
Step 5: Lacto-fermentation
The fizzing dies down some, the colour brightens, and what seemed like rot has turned into something super tasty and nutritious. What started as one thing has become another, related thing. A new version of oneself. Through fermentation, a sustainable (preserved), thriving (with bacteria) and extra healthy (vitamin B!) being has been created. The process hurt, but it was worth it.
Step 6: Eat me
I'm better than raw cabbage.
It would seem that this is what I was writing about, or at least what ended up being read. I am disappointed by this, not because I disdain all elements of self-care culture/rhetoric or because I don't factor that into my life, but because the fact that self-care ended up being the topic of what I wrote tells me a lot about why, though I am feeling much better, I'm still feeling hints of depression in odd moments. It is the reason why "My life is meaningful because..." isn't enough to keep me out of a funk.
Don't get me wrong, I respect people that practice (non-consumption based) self-care and I certainly practice it myself. I am not trying to write (yet another) critique of the concept. The reality is, however, that the revolutionary spirit that drives me is towards cultural shift, not private well-being. I want to blur these lines because for me to really be well, caring for others is integral. I cannot take care of myself alone, and without taking care of others (or a broader "community") my self-care goals are unattainable. While I recognize the importance of crediting myself for living the way that I do, it's just not radical if it is individual. Yes, the personal is political, and we should all strive to live our ideals in our personal lives, but if we aren't bringing our ideals into the public sphere, it's not revolutionary.
ALL THAT SAID, there are times and places for focusing inward! I have gotten to this place because I have needed it, my personal life has felt unstable enough that I must focus on righting it before I could look outward again. There is no shame in this, and we must respect each others' choices and reasons for doing such.
For myself, though, I am tired of focusing only inward. I feel an urge and an impulse to live my ideals in another direction. I want to create care culture, not just self-care accepting culture. My utopia does not consist of a bunch of people cooking their meals, meditating, reading, writing, or making sauerkraut- alone.
When I wrote about how our focus on "action" can be really dismissive of those who do not "act," I suppose I was looking primarily at action that builds a culture of resistance. I am so happy that there are tons of people building this culture! I am equally excited about action towards solidarity culture (maybe this is a vague umbrella), and a culture of consent (for me, this action usually looks like setting good boundaries in all areas of life and handling the discomfort created). What I think is missing in focus, is culture of care. Maybe it's there to some extent, and we don't talk about it. Maybe we don't talk about it because patriarchy teaches us it's not worth noting. Maybe we don't talk about it because we've all been trained that (once we are adults) it is the role of a) ourselves, b) institutions/profesionals, and c) our monogamous partners to care for us. All of us who are involved in radical cultural struggle are doing it because we "care" at an emotional or intellectual level (hopefully both), but not all of us consider the direct and social labour of caring.
So I am looking for feedback, for what people think creating a culture of care (outside of self-care or even 1 to 1 relationship care) would take. What kinds of public "action" demonstrates radical generousity, mutual aid, and caring culture?
For now, I am fermenting.
Here's my recipe for self-fermentation:
Step 1: Harvest
As soon as a vegetable is separated from it's roots, certain organisms (heterofermentative bacteria!) begin to flourish. To take advantage of this, I must accept I am no longer rooted. I do not have what I once did, I am not connected in the ways I used to be. My identity must shift from plant to food. It's hard to accept that I am no longer what I once was, that what built me (in this case, as an anarchist) is no longer in my life. What I have depended on to feel useful, what others still point to when they say "you do lots of rad stuff," I no longer do. This is okay. Let the next phase begin.
Step 2: Chop
OUCH!
Need I say more?
Step 3: Salt and massage
This part still stings. I think it's where I'm at right now. Salting and massaging chopped cabbage breaks down the cell walls, lets the moisture out. I am raw, vulnerable, aware that my state is shifting but it's hard to know what into. It's a scary place to be, one that works best if not rushed, and pretty uncomfortable.
Step 4: Submerge (heterofermentation begins)
This part stinks. Literally. Heterofermentative bacteria produce carbon dioxide, acetic acid, lactic acid and more, and smells like rot. It's bubbly, it's messy. It serves to create the environment (acidic) for homofermentative lactic acid bacteria, which is what creates the desired result. So it's a messy phase, and a necessary one. It produces many products, one of which turns out to be particularly useful.
Step 5: Lacto-fermentation
The fizzing dies down some, the colour brightens, and what seemed like rot has turned into something super tasty and nutritious. What started as one thing has become another, related thing. A new version of oneself. Through fermentation, a sustainable (preserved), thriving (with bacteria) and extra healthy (vitamin B!) being has been created. The process hurt, but it was worth it.
Step 6: Eat me
I'm better than raw cabbage.
Wednesday, 16 October 2013
Work and Value. Y'know, the little things.
I've been looking for work for about 2 months, and have become increasingly discouraged. What's been hard to explain though, to myself as well as those around me, is that the primary problem is not a lack of jobs. Granted, I haven't been offered much and the jobs I have found have had so few hours (or such insulting wage) that they don't solve the paying rent problem (the constant problem!), but still, it's something else that is even more discouraging.
I am seeking community, communality, collectivity, and mutual aid. I am seeking these in a job because I am not experiencing them in my life. Until last winter, I had always experienced these things to some degree, but when some shit fell apart, and spaces where I thought I'd find those things proved to be less thriving than I'd hoped, I was left with a distinct lack of belonging. For someone whose anarchistic values are founded on ideals of collectivity and who has been privileged enough to always have it, this is a pretty awful position to find myself in.
Yesterday my mother asked me what job I would have in my dream world, realism aside. Well, first we had to amend the obvious problem with that question which is that in my ideal world jobs wouldn't exist. Work*, of course, would.
So what kind of work would I be doing? I'd be doing the work of every day life. I would be looking after people, cooking food for myself and hopefully many others, as well as contributing to the rest of the things that make things go. Not go towards progress, or capital, just go, to the next minute and the next.
I sobbed as I pictured my ideal world but spoke quite simple words. When I've told people what I would be doing without capitalism, often the response is "Well great, those are employable things!"
And I shut down, because we obviously aren't understanding each other.
Why was I crying when I told my mom about my dream life? Because all I am trying for right now is a toxic mimic of that dream. I will go to school so that I can get better jobs taking care of children. My work and my home will still be separate things, I will remain an isolated individual struggling to get by in a system I can't stand.
Though it is capitalism that is suffocating me, I feel drowned in my own ideals. The more idealistic I am, the harder it is to live with the world as it is.
I have always been someone who has a hard time getting over things if I don't feel like I have changed the situation. When the situation is the world as we know it, things start looking mighty dire.
*I make a distinction between jobs and work. While I know many anarchists deplore the idea of work altogether, with the idea that the stuff of life outside of capitalism shouldn't be associated with the words we use now for job-work, for ease I prefer to simply think of work as getting things done, which can be a super positive thing to go along with play, love, etc if we take capitalism out of the equation.
---
It's been about two weeks since I wrote the above, and things have changed a little.
1. Through choices, support (professional and personal), and a whole lot of effort put in to functioning/coping, I have gotten out of the pit of depression, for now.
2. I decided to go to school as soon as possible in order to get better* work sooner than later.
3. I found pretty decent temporary work until school starts. In fact, it's pretty ideal as far as jobs go.
*What is good work??
The more I think, talk, read and cry about it, the more I am finding hope or at least solace in the idea that work (job-work) is meaningless (and that this is okay).
My priorities for jobs are currently as follows:
-Do work that doesn't make me miserable
-Make enough money to feel comfortable and safe, and save a little so I can stop working sometimes or eventually
-Get paid enough that I don't feel terribly resentful (see first point) and undervalued, and so that I can work very little to earn the money I need to get by
That last point has been difficult to come to, as my anti-capitalist ideals make wanting a higher wage feel really weird. The reality is, though, that we live in a capitalist society. Job-work is inherently within this framework, and we are not doing ourselves or our fellow workers any favours by accepting unfair pay. Obviously, the whole system is unfair, but allowing our employers to profit off of our labour without struggling together for our share of it just fuckin' sucks. Many people work for exceedingly low wages and in awful conditions, and I am privileged to be choosy about making more than minimum wage, but this doesn't make me a capitalist. Like I said, it helps no one (except the capitalists) to accept unfair wages. If our culture equates money with value, then our labour and time is being undervalued when we are paid poorly. In the realm of work, we have to see value like this or get exploited.
Outside of work, however, we get to decide what creates value. What makes my life valuable is not my job, or even what I do (in so much as what is typically considered action is limited to a patriarchal and dis/ableist idea of such). I don't think it's my place to say what makes life, objectively, valuable. Make your own meaning! To get out of my own aforementioned pit, though, I'm deeply considering the meaning that I make.
My life is meaningful because I share laughter, food, space and time with people. My life has value because I am learning, and because I share what I have learned. Every time I ask for help, I am doing something radical. I open space for others to be equally vulnerable, and we create the much sought after mutual-aid by just extending generousity. When I am honest and imperfect, I am being generous. When I set boundaries, I am doing radical action. Living my queer fucking life, dancing, creating home, and loving my mom a whole fuck of a lot are all actions in defiance of dominant culture. Every step I take towards solidarity, away from the isolation that capitalism imposes on us, is radical.
I found that, in my depression (and this is a pattern), I become very stubbornly defiant against politics of love, happiness, or hope. These are all things I believe in, but so often, as radicals, we are told by more dominant left-wingers (and just about everyone) to look on the bright side, that love will heal all, blah blah blah and it's really fucking dismissive and often bullshit. This outlook is used to silence dissent, further silence oppressed folks, and shut down any ideas that involve destroying what destroys us. In the face of this, I tend to swing to the extreme which similarly lacks complexity. Fuck you, the world is getting worse a lot faster than it's getting better, and it's hopeful fuckers like you who are ruining everything.
And so I convince myself that if I have hope, if I look for silver linings, or if I believe that joy and love can heal and even destroy what destroys me, I am on the side of the enemy who seeks to sustain the current systems by silencing unrest. No, no, no.
Neither of these positions reflect the complexity of the world, the complexity with which I believe we MUST perceive the world if we have any fucking chance at changing things for the better.
So I'm going to go to work cooking for people and supporting families. I'm going to acknowledge the privilege of making more than minimum wage, and know that if within my work life my value is made up by how much money I make then yes, I am still being undervalued. I'm going to go to fucking school so I can get higher paid work, work which might bring me some joy and that I don't think will make me miserable, or at least not very. And I'm going to keep resisting the idea that meaningful work is the fucking be all end all. No! The work I hope to have after school isn't going to make my life meaningful, just like the work I haven't had the last few months hasn't made my existence meaningless. I'm going to keep fighting patriarchal notions of what valuable participation in resistance communities looks like, and I'm going to keep participating in the ways that bring me joy and that don't feel like work. I don't want to work for a non-profit making bullshit wages, work my life away, and feel fucking righteous about it. I don't want to do work that hurts my body or soul if I can avoid it, and it wouldn't make me more radical to do so in order to not exercise my privileges. When people ask me what I do I'm going to keep telling them what I really do ("well, today I cooked all the meals I ate, tomorrow I am going to go to work, and right now I'm reading a really good book") and exploring the discomfort this brings out in myself as well as the asker. I'm going to work on deconstructing the identity I've created which says I'm valuable because of the groups I'm part of, the activist work I do, or my work and how it's like, somehow better than service work (which I was doing not so long ago) and somehow better than high-wage career work like "ooh aren't I radical for refusing to be valued in capitalist terms?"
And I'm going to keep hurting from the blows that capitalism throws my way on a daily basis. I'm going to keep trying really hard to ask for help when I need it. I'm going to see beauty and ugliness in the same gaze, and keep fighting (which usually looks like making lunch).
I am seeking community, communality, collectivity, and mutual aid. I am seeking these in a job because I am not experiencing them in my life. Until last winter, I had always experienced these things to some degree, but when some shit fell apart, and spaces where I thought I'd find those things proved to be less thriving than I'd hoped, I was left with a distinct lack of belonging. For someone whose anarchistic values are founded on ideals of collectivity and who has been privileged enough to always have it, this is a pretty awful position to find myself in.
Yesterday my mother asked me what job I would have in my dream world, realism aside. Well, first we had to amend the obvious problem with that question which is that in my ideal world jobs wouldn't exist. Work*, of course, would.
So what kind of work would I be doing? I'd be doing the work of every day life. I would be looking after people, cooking food for myself and hopefully many others, as well as contributing to the rest of the things that make things go. Not go towards progress, or capital, just go, to the next minute and the next.
I sobbed as I pictured my ideal world but spoke quite simple words. When I've told people what I would be doing without capitalism, often the response is "Well great, those are employable things!"
And I shut down, because we obviously aren't understanding each other.
Why was I crying when I told my mom about my dream life? Because all I am trying for right now is a toxic mimic of that dream. I will go to school so that I can get better jobs taking care of children. My work and my home will still be separate things, I will remain an isolated individual struggling to get by in a system I can't stand.
Though it is capitalism that is suffocating me, I feel drowned in my own ideals. The more idealistic I am, the harder it is to live with the world as it is.
I have always been someone who has a hard time getting over things if I don't feel like I have changed the situation. When the situation is the world as we know it, things start looking mighty dire.
*I make a distinction between jobs and work. While I know many anarchists deplore the idea of work altogether, with the idea that the stuff of life outside of capitalism shouldn't be associated with the words we use now for job-work, for ease I prefer to simply think of work as getting things done, which can be a super positive thing to go along with play, love, etc if we take capitalism out of the equation.
---
It's been about two weeks since I wrote the above, and things have changed a little.
1. Through choices, support (professional and personal), and a whole lot of effort put in to functioning/coping, I have gotten out of the pit of depression, for now.
2. I decided to go to school as soon as possible in order to get better* work sooner than later.
3. I found pretty decent temporary work until school starts. In fact, it's pretty ideal as far as jobs go.
*What is good work??
The more I think, talk, read and cry about it, the more I am finding hope or at least solace in the idea that work (job-work) is meaningless (and that this is okay).
My priorities for jobs are currently as follows:
-Do work that doesn't make me miserable
-Make enough money to feel comfortable and safe, and save a little so I can stop working sometimes or eventually
-Get paid enough that I don't feel terribly resentful (see first point) and undervalued, and so that I can work very little to earn the money I need to get by
That last point has been difficult to come to, as my anti-capitalist ideals make wanting a higher wage feel really weird. The reality is, though, that we live in a capitalist society. Job-work is inherently within this framework, and we are not doing ourselves or our fellow workers any favours by accepting unfair pay. Obviously, the whole system is unfair, but allowing our employers to profit off of our labour without struggling together for our share of it just fuckin' sucks. Many people work for exceedingly low wages and in awful conditions, and I am privileged to be choosy about making more than minimum wage, but this doesn't make me a capitalist. Like I said, it helps no one (except the capitalists) to accept unfair wages. If our culture equates money with value, then our labour and time is being undervalued when we are paid poorly. In the realm of work, we have to see value like this or get exploited.
Outside of work, however, we get to decide what creates value. What makes my life valuable is not my job, or even what I do (in so much as what is typically considered action is limited to a patriarchal and dis/ableist idea of such). I don't think it's my place to say what makes life, objectively, valuable. Make your own meaning! To get out of my own aforementioned pit, though, I'm deeply considering the meaning that I make.
My life is meaningful because I share laughter, food, space and time with people. My life has value because I am learning, and because I share what I have learned. Every time I ask for help, I am doing something radical. I open space for others to be equally vulnerable, and we create the much sought after mutual-aid by just extending generousity. When I am honest and imperfect, I am being generous. When I set boundaries, I am doing radical action. Living my queer fucking life, dancing, creating home, and loving my mom a whole fuck of a lot are all actions in defiance of dominant culture. Every step I take towards solidarity, away from the isolation that capitalism imposes on us, is radical.
I found that, in my depression (and this is a pattern), I become very stubbornly defiant against politics of love, happiness, or hope. These are all things I believe in, but so often, as radicals, we are told by more dominant left-wingers (and just about everyone) to look on the bright side, that love will heal all, blah blah blah and it's really fucking dismissive and often bullshit. This outlook is used to silence dissent, further silence oppressed folks, and shut down any ideas that involve destroying what destroys us. In the face of this, I tend to swing to the extreme which similarly lacks complexity. Fuck you, the world is getting worse a lot faster than it's getting better, and it's hopeful fuckers like you who are ruining everything.
And so I convince myself that if I have hope, if I look for silver linings, or if I believe that joy and love can heal and even destroy what destroys me, I am on the side of the enemy who seeks to sustain the current systems by silencing unrest. No, no, no.
Neither of these positions reflect the complexity of the world, the complexity with which I believe we MUST perceive the world if we have any fucking chance at changing things for the better.
So I'm going to go to work cooking for people and supporting families. I'm going to acknowledge the privilege of making more than minimum wage, and know that if within my work life my value is made up by how much money I make then yes, I am still being undervalued. I'm going to go to fucking school so I can get higher paid work, work which might bring me some joy and that I don't think will make me miserable, or at least not very. And I'm going to keep resisting the idea that meaningful work is the fucking be all end all. No! The work I hope to have after school isn't going to make my life meaningful, just like the work I haven't had the last few months hasn't made my existence meaningless. I'm going to keep fighting patriarchal notions of what valuable participation in resistance communities looks like, and I'm going to keep participating in the ways that bring me joy and that don't feel like work. I don't want to work for a non-profit making bullshit wages, work my life away, and feel fucking righteous about it. I don't want to do work that hurts my body or soul if I can avoid it, and it wouldn't make me more radical to do so in order to not exercise my privileges. When people ask me what I do I'm going to keep telling them what I really do ("well, today I cooked all the meals I ate, tomorrow I am going to go to work, and right now I'm reading a really good book") and exploring the discomfort this brings out in myself as well as the asker. I'm going to work on deconstructing the identity I've created which says I'm valuable because of the groups I'm part of, the activist work I do, or my work and how it's like, somehow better than service work (which I was doing not so long ago) and somehow better than high-wage career work like "ooh aren't I radical for refusing to be valued in capitalist terms?"
And I'm going to keep hurting from the blows that capitalism throws my way on a daily basis. I'm going to keep trying really hard to ask for help when I need it. I'm going to see beauty and ugliness in the same gaze, and keep fighting (which usually looks like making lunch).
Monday, 15 April 2013
Oat Milk and Oat Pulp Breakfast Muffins
i've recently started making oat milk, and, other than oatmeal porridge, i've been looking for things to do with the leftover "oat pulp" that results from the process (and which would be an awful shame to waste).
so here's a recipe! i know that food blog culture would say i really need to take pictures, but i just don't feel like it. i'm not doin' this fer your entertainment!
oat milk is a great non-dairy milk, as it is fairly creamy and tastes nice, and you can make so much more for way cheaper than almond milk. using organic, local oats it was still about a quarter of the price of making home-made almond milk. it's also pretty high in iron and probably other things too.
it's not as popular as almond milk though, so it's hard to find recipes for what to do with the pulp. this morning i made pretty good oat pulp muffins with no flour at all, and i figured other's might appreciate the tips. i recommend you try other things too, just basically imagine you're making your favourite muffin recipe, but you're flour already has milk mixed in, so you will need less liquid. experiment!
my experiment worked out pretty nice. it's definitely a moist oatty breakfast muffin, not light and fluffy but very tasty and filling. especially good with some coconut butter on top.
milk:
2 cups whole oats
4 cups water
a pinch of salt
soak overnight or longer. drain and rinse and drain, then add 6-8 cups water (depending how thick you like your milk).
in a blender or with a stick blender, blend for a few minutes until the pulp seems pretty smooth. strain through a fine strainer and press as much moister out as possible. add vanilla to the milk if you like. set milk aside.
your strainer will now be full of wet oat pulp, about 2 cups worth... now it's muffin time!
squash cranberry almond oat quinoa flourless muffins. catchy, right?
wet:
2 cups oat pulp
1/2 cup oat milk
1 tsp vanilla extract/flavour
1 beaten egg
1 cup mashed cooked sweet winter squash
dry:
2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
dash nutmeg
sprinkle cardamon
pinch clove
shake stevia powder
1/4 cup xylitol
1/2 cup quinoa flakes
add:
1/2 cup frozen coarsely chopped cranberries
1/2 cup almonds (i used ones i'd soaked in salt water for 24 hours and peeled, cause that's the only way i can do almonds)
preheat to 375f
mix the wetz, mix the dryz, mix them together. grease a muffin pan. fill the cups all the way up (this is a pretty dense muffin, doesn't rise too much). bake for 25-35 minutes (i made 18 smaller muffins and they took about 25 minutes, but full size ones will take a little longer). let cool in pan at least 15 minutes before moving to cooling rack.
delicious with a big dollop of coconut oil on top.
also would likely work without the egg, or with an egg substitute (like ground chia seed) if you're wanting a vegan version.
Monday, 18 March 2013
Nettles for breakfast!
It's nettle season, buds!
i haven't had a chance to go foraging yet (but i can't wait!), but i did splurge on some nettles at the farmers market this week and have been enjoying them daily.
so, with plenty of time for you to snag some before the seasons over, i'll share the two recipes i've enjoyed the past 2 mornings. thanks to those who i experimented off of.
if you have a favourite thing to do with nettles, a favourite nettley experience, or favourite place to find them, leave a comment!
1. NETTLE ONION GREEN PANCAKES (gluten and potentially dairy freeee!)
serves one quite hungry person or two just peckish people as a main dish.
ingredients:
dry-
2/3 C quinoa or brown rice flour, or a mix
1/8 C quinoa flakes
3/4 TB baking powder (i use a gluten and corn free organic one)
1/2 tsp salt
wet-
1 egg, beaten
3/4 C water, milk or broth (i used leftover nettle blanching water from when i was blanching nettles to freeze)
1 1/2 TB coconut oil (or butter) melted and cooled slighty
add-
1/2 C fresh nettle leaves, coarsely chopped
1/4 C fresh onion greens/sprouts, chives (chopped), or green onions (diced)
2 cloves garlic, minced and sauteed slightly (if you want, fine raw too)
directions:
in your cooking pan (i <3 cast iron) melt coconut oil until just liquid and then take off heat. mix dry ingredients in larger bowl. mix wet ingredients together, careful to cool oil/butter enough that it won't cook the egg. in your nicely greased pan from melting your oil, saute garlic a few minutes before setting aside (don't wash the pan, it's nicely oiled to cook the pancakes on!). mix wet into dry and let sit for quinoa flakes to absorb moister while you chop up your veggies (i wear a glove on my left hand to avoid stings while i chop nettles with my right, just sayin').
add veggies and garlic and fold in. if dough seems too liquid, sprinkle a little extra flour and mix gently (but a little wet is just fine).
heat your pan til it makes water fizzle if flicked on, then start frying up your pancakes in whatever size you like! make sure to wait until bubbles are popping through before you flip 'em, otherwise they may fall apart.
super delish with yogurt or sour cream, extra onion greens, ground black pepper, sauerkraut, or feta cheese... or whatever you like!
this recipe was adapted to meet my dietary needs from this other blog, check it!
2. NETTLE AND GREENS FRITTATA
adapted from this "crustless spanakopita" recipe that made my mouth water.
feeds 2 moderately hungry folks
ingredients:
4 large eggs
1/4 C broth or water (or nettle blanching water)
teaspoon dried dill
sprinkle dried oregano
teaspoon salt (less if your broth is salty)
a bit o' ground pepper
1 large handful of nettles
1 handful of spinach, chard or young kale
1 little onion, sliced
1 clove garlic, minced or pressed
a bit o' coconut oil
a big hunk of feta (i love goat or sheep feta the best)
handful onion sprouts (if you got 'em)
directions:
preheat oven to 400 degrees F.
bring about a cup of water to boil in a pot with a lid. when it is boiled, add nettles and submerge, put the lid on for about 60 seconds and then scoop into a colander. repeat with additional greens. set aside left over water to cool.
in a small-mid size cast iron pan, heat oil and lightly saute onions and garlic, then pop the pan into the hot oven (onions and garlic and all).
beat eggs and add (cooled) blanching water, salt, and herbs.
press excess moisture from blanched greens and chop - don't worry about getting stung by the nettles now, as the blanching has domesticated them.
carefully remove hot pan from the over and immediately pour in egg mixture - the hot pan will make the eggs turn into a self-made crust - awesome!
distribute greens and press them in a bit, add onion greens on top and the chunk the feta all about. i like to use lots, but it's up to you.
return the pan o' goodness to the hot oven and bake about 30 minutes, or until the top centre egginess is no longer runny. turn oven up to broil for 5-7 minutes to crisp the top a bit, then remove and serve. don't burn your tongue, it is tempting to scarf it.
i ate all these things to fast to take pictures, so you'll have to make 'em yourself to see the beauty!
enjoy.
i haven't had a chance to go foraging yet (but i can't wait!), but i did splurge on some nettles at the farmers market this week and have been enjoying them daily.
so, with plenty of time for you to snag some before the seasons over, i'll share the two recipes i've enjoyed the past 2 mornings. thanks to those who i experimented off of.
if you have a favourite thing to do with nettles, a favourite nettley experience, or favourite place to find them, leave a comment!
1. NETTLE ONION GREEN PANCAKES (gluten and potentially dairy freeee!)
serves one quite hungry person or two just peckish people as a main dish.
ingredients:
dry-
2/3 C quinoa or brown rice flour, or a mix
1/8 C quinoa flakes
3/4 TB baking powder (i use a gluten and corn free organic one)
1/2 tsp salt
wet-
1 egg, beaten
3/4 C water, milk or broth (i used leftover nettle blanching water from when i was blanching nettles to freeze)
1 1/2 TB coconut oil (or butter) melted and cooled slighty
add-
1/2 C fresh nettle leaves, coarsely chopped
1/4 C fresh onion greens/sprouts, chives (chopped), or green onions (diced)
2 cloves garlic, minced and sauteed slightly (if you want, fine raw too)
directions:
in your cooking pan (i <3 cast iron) melt coconut oil until just liquid and then take off heat. mix dry ingredients in larger bowl. mix wet ingredients together, careful to cool oil/butter enough that it won't cook the egg. in your nicely greased pan from melting your oil, saute garlic a few minutes before setting aside (don't wash the pan, it's nicely oiled to cook the pancakes on!). mix wet into dry and let sit for quinoa flakes to absorb moister while you chop up your veggies (i wear a glove on my left hand to avoid stings while i chop nettles with my right, just sayin').
add veggies and garlic and fold in. if dough seems too liquid, sprinkle a little extra flour and mix gently (but a little wet is just fine).
heat your pan til it makes water fizzle if flicked on, then start frying up your pancakes in whatever size you like! make sure to wait until bubbles are popping through before you flip 'em, otherwise they may fall apart.
super delish with yogurt or sour cream, extra onion greens, ground black pepper, sauerkraut, or feta cheese... or whatever you like!
this recipe was adapted to meet my dietary needs from this other blog, check it!
2. NETTLE AND GREENS FRITTATA
adapted from this "crustless spanakopita" recipe that made my mouth water.
feeds 2 moderately hungry folks
ingredients:
4 large eggs
1/4 C broth or water (or nettle blanching water)
teaspoon dried dill
sprinkle dried oregano
teaspoon salt (less if your broth is salty)
a bit o' ground pepper
1 large handful of nettles
1 handful of spinach, chard or young kale
1 little onion, sliced
1 clove garlic, minced or pressed
a bit o' coconut oil
a big hunk of feta (i love goat or sheep feta the best)
handful onion sprouts (if you got 'em)
directions:
preheat oven to 400 degrees F.
bring about a cup of water to boil in a pot with a lid. when it is boiled, add nettles and submerge, put the lid on for about 60 seconds and then scoop into a colander. repeat with additional greens. set aside left over water to cool.
in a small-mid size cast iron pan, heat oil and lightly saute onions and garlic, then pop the pan into the hot oven (onions and garlic and all).
beat eggs and add (cooled) blanching water, salt, and herbs.
press excess moisture from blanched greens and chop - don't worry about getting stung by the nettles now, as the blanching has domesticated them.
carefully remove hot pan from the over and immediately pour in egg mixture - the hot pan will make the eggs turn into a self-made crust - awesome!
distribute greens and press them in a bit, add onion greens on top and the chunk the feta all about. i like to use lots, but it's up to you.
return the pan o' goodness to the hot oven and bake about 30 minutes, or until the top centre egginess is no longer runny. turn oven up to broil for 5-7 minutes to crisp the top a bit, then remove and serve. don't burn your tongue, it is tempting to scarf it.
i ate all these things to fast to take pictures, so you'll have to make 'em yourself to see the beauty!
enjoy.
Friday, 8 February 2013
Relationships as Microcosms of Culture: Hierarchy Part 2
Since publishing my last piece, I’ve continued to think a lot about the issue of hierarchy in relationships, and in the broader societal context.
I began, almost immediately, to question my assertion that hierarchy is unhealthy (for me, at least), and then realized that that’s partly just because I haven’t even figured out exactly what hierarchy means.
So I want to explore that more, explore how else hierarchy plays out in our lives, and other ways to perceive the world that still respect difference, but do not ascribe higher power or value based on those differences.
What is hierarchy and why do I want to challenge it?
The first context in which I learned the words ‘hierarchy’ and ‘horizontality’ was at the Purple Thistle Centre, a radical youth run arts and activism drop in centre located in East Van, Unceded Coast Salish Territory. It is run by a youth collective, funded by grants, free to all who use it, and as much as possible tries to stay ‘horizontal’ in its organizational structure.
Oftentimes there was (is, but I am writing from a place of having been on the collective for a long time and no longer being directly involved with the place) confusion about how we could call ourselves non-hierarchical when we had some clearly defined roles such as director, coordinator, mentor, intern and collective member, and especially when we considered that some, but not all, of those roles involved an exchange of money. In that context, having clearly defined roles was useful for organizing purposes, especially considering that not everyone had time/energy/desire to have roles with more responsibility and some shit just had to get done if we were going to stay open. The paid positions were generally temporary and whoever wanted to be involved in the decision making (or “hiring”) process could be, and we paid people based on an understanding/ideal that considering that we live in a capitalist context, people have to pay rent and have money to survive, so it is radical to support them in living their lives while doing meaningful and enjoyable ‘work’. We paid people when we were able (our funding was somewhat unpredictable) and hoped that by supporting them, they would continue to support us with their time whenever they could, even if we couldn’t pay them. This generally worked out really well, and we always had tons of amazing people supporting the space with their time for no other reward than fucking loving to be there and being stoked on what the space was about.
Aaanyway.
The point is, I think that the Thistle, in all it’s imperfection (it’s a radical learning centre! how do we learn? by trying and sometimes fucking up!), is a successful horizontally run organization. Some people put more time and energy into it, sometimes they were supported in doing so by being given money so they would be able to dedicate their time without concern for their basic needs, but overall no one had more POWER than anyone else. And that is what hierarchy is really about - power.
Inherently, (it is my belief that) there is nothing wrong with power. As long as no one has power over others, the existence of power is just fine and dandy. Ideally, however, our power comes from within ourselves; from our skills, our knowledge, our self-respect, our experiences, and so on. Think empowerment.
Things get sticky, though, when our power comes from external sources, like a cultural bias about what earns people power (read: societal values) and structures set up to keep some in power over others.
Not only does this pose the obvious issue of people abusing their power, exerting violence and force to keep it, doing just about anything to make it stronger... y’know, the usual, but it also has the effect of decreasing peoples’ internal sense of self-worth, because their identity as an important human being is now tied to this power that is coming from external (and therefore unstable) forces. Sound familiar? I mentioned that idea in my last piece on this topic, and many many people have talked about a similar issue in the context of education/childhood development and intrinsic/extrinsic motivation.
At the Thistle we tried our best to be open about the powers that come with certain responsibilities and roles, be pragmatic about the usefulness of those structures, and diffuse the potential for anyone having power over others by intentionally sharing skills and information, distributing money (which unfortunately is linked to power in capitalist society) in the fairest ways we could think of, and supporting people in taking on any level of responsibility that they wanted to. The moments when things worked out the best were when people were doing their role because it was exactly what worked for them, not something they felt needed to be done or was expected of them. Their power was then coming from inside, and they could use it wisely.
Now I’m going to make the awkward transition of trying to tie this back into a discourse on relationships.
In my life, just like at the Thistle, people take on different roles. Some take up much more of my time, support my ability to thrive in more tangible or consistent ways, or take up the little spaces which are super special. None of these people have the power to make or break me, or to push someone else out of the picture. I can respect these roles as different; I admit that for some people I would drop everything if they needed me (and not just those that I am sleeping with), some have been and will be in my life ‘forever’ but take up relatively little of my every day, and others may be in my life for just a brief sweet moment.
Right now, I deeply love one person with whom I have a romantic and sexual relationship, and I put more energy on a daily basis into the act of loving them than I put into most of my other relationships. Our relationship has value based on what we both get out of it, put into it, and love about it, not from a sense of being “primary” and definitely not of being sexually exclusive. By looking at it this way, even though some might consider this simply as an insignificant shift in terminology, I ensure that my position is something that I have control over. Ladders are unstable! I have no interest in standing on the top rung of a ladder, especially not one that other people (and countless uncontrollable factors... lets say wind) are climbing too, shaking it as they go. Here on the ground, it is up to me (in communication with others, obviously) what I put into my relationship, what I get out of it, what commitments I can agree to, what I want and I give meaning to.
This morning, this partner and I brainstormed a list of commitments; in other words, we are defining our roles in each other’s lives so that we are best able to continue to bring each other joy. It was a collaborative process, and allowed us to deconstruct what commitment means to US, not what it means in heteronormative monogamy or to anyone else. Just like at they do at the Thistle, we are creating roles to suit us, not fitting into what we think “partner” or “committed relationship” (or at the Thistle “mentor,” “director,” “youth” etc.) means to other people. We create our own meaning, and in that we have our own power, power which no one can take away from us.
Non-hierarchical or horizontal doesn’t mean “no defined roles,” but yes, it might mean “anarchy.”
It doesn’t mean we pretend that everyone has the same skills, knowledge, or impact. It means that we value difference, delve into honest complexity, and challenge our assumptions. We take on roles in which we will thrive, and challenge ourselves and each other to learn more and try new roles. We confront things like patriarchy, racism, classism and colonialism that challenge true horizontality in ways that we can’t always even see.
I feel that there is so much more to say about this, but it isn’t in me yet or maybe won’t be. I would love to hear other’s thoughts on this huge topic.
And in the interest of breaking down hierarchy, I want to remind y’all that I’m no fucking expert.
I think about relationship a lot, I write as a way to process information and ideas and because I like to share ideas with people, but I am no more knowledgeable or experienced on this than most of you. We all have relationships (did you hear the news? Relationship doesn’t mean sexual partnership!) and we all experience hierarchies every day. I like to write, so I’ve taken this on as a part of my role in the world. That role is no more or less valuable than any other.
For more information on the rad youth centre that I wrote about, check out http://purplethistle.ca/
I began, almost immediately, to question my assertion that hierarchy is unhealthy (for me, at least), and then realized that that’s partly just because I haven’t even figured out exactly what hierarchy means.
So I want to explore that more, explore how else hierarchy plays out in our lives, and other ways to perceive the world that still respect difference, but do not ascribe higher power or value based on those differences.
What is hierarchy and why do I want to challenge it?
The first context in which I learned the words ‘hierarchy’ and ‘horizontality’ was at the Purple Thistle Centre, a radical youth run arts and activism drop in centre located in East Van, Unceded Coast Salish Territory. It is run by a youth collective, funded by grants, free to all who use it, and as much as possible tries to stay ‘horizontal’ in its organizational structure.
Oftentimes there was (is, but I am writing from a place of having been on the collective for a long time and no longer being directly involved with the place) confusion about how we could call ourselves non-hierarchical when we had some clearly defined roles such as director, coordinator, mentor, intern and collective member, and especially when we considered that some, but not all, of those roles involved an exchange of money. In that context, having clearly defined roles was useful for organizing purposes, especially considering that not everyone had time/energy/desire to have roles with more responsibility and some shit just had to get done if we were going to stay open. The paid positions were generally temporary and whoever wanted to be involved in the decision making (or “hiring”) process could be, and we paid people based on an understanding/ideal that considering that we live in a capitalist context, people have to pay rent and have money to survive, so it is radical to support them in living their lives while doing meaningful and enjoyable ‘work’. We paid people when we were able (our funding was somewhat unpredictable) and hoped that by supporting them, they would continue to support us with their time whenever they could, even if we couldn’t pay them. This generally worked out really well, and we always had tons of amazing people supporting the space with their time for no other reward than fucking loving to be there and being stoked on what the space was about.
Aaanyway.
The point is, I think that the Thistle, in all it’s imperfection (it’s a radical learning centre! how do we learn? by trying and sometimes fucking up!), is a successful horizontally run organization. Some people put more time and energy into it, sometimes they were supported in doing so by being given money so they would be able to dedicate their time without concern for their basic needs, but overall no one had more POWER than anyone else. And that is what hierarchy is really about - power.
Inherently, (it is my belief that) there is nothing wrong with power. As long as no one has power over others, the existence of power is just fine and dandy. Ideally, however, our power comes from within ourselves; from our skills, our knowledge, our self-respect, our experiences, and so on. Think empowerment.
Things get sticky, though, when our power comes from external sources, like a cultural bias about what earns people power (read: societal values) and structures set up to keep some in power over others.
Not only does this pose the obvious issue of people abusing their power, exerting violence and force to keep it, doing just about anything to make it stronger... y’know, the usual, but it also has the effect of decreasing peoples’ internal sense of self-worth, because their identity as an important human being is now tied to this power that is coming from external (and therefore unstable) forces. Sound familiar? I mentioned that idea in my last piece on this topic, and many many people have talked about a similar issue in the context of education/childhood development and intrinsic/extrinsic motivation.
At the Thistle we tried our best to be open about the powers that come with certain responsibilities and roles, be pragmatic about the usefulness of those structures, and diffuse the potential for anyone having power over others by intentionally sharing skills and information, distributing money (which unfortunately is linked to power in capitalist society) in the fairest ways we could think of, and supporting people in taking on any level of responsibility that they wanted to. The moments when things worked out the best were when people were doing their role because it was exactly what worked for them, not something they felt needed to be done or was expected of them. Their power was then coming from inside, and they could use it wisely.
Now I’m going to make the awkward transition of trying to tie this back into a discourse on relationships.
In my life, just like at the Thistle, people take on different roles. Some take up much more of my time, support my ability to thrive in more tangible or consistent ways, or take up the little spaces which are super special. None of these people have the power to make or break me, or to push someone else out of the picture. I can respect these roles as different; I admit that for some people I would drop everything if they needed me (and not just those that I am sleeping with), some have been and will be in my life ‘forever’ but take up relatively little of my every day, and others may be in my life for just a brief sweet moment.
Right now, I deeply love one person with whom I have a romantic and sexual relationship, and I put more energy on a daily basis into the act of loving them than I put into most of my other relationships. Our relationship has value based on what we both get out of it, put into it, and love about it, not from a sense of being “primary” and definitely not of being sexually exclusive. By looking at it this way, even though some might consider this simply as an insignificant shift in terminology, I ensure that my position is something that I have control over. Ladders are unstable! I have no interest in standing on the top rung of a ladder, especially not one that other people (and countless uncontrollable factors... lets say wind) are climbing too, shaking it as they go. Here on the ground, it is up to me (in communication with others, obviously) what I put into my relationship, what I get out of it, what commitments I can agree to, what I want and I give meaning to.
This morning, this partner and I brainstormed a list of commitments; in other words, we are defining our roles in each other’s lives so that we are best able to continue to bring each other joy. It was a collaborative process, and allowed us to deconstruct what commitment means to US, not what it means in heteronormative monogamy or to anyone else. Just like at they do at the Thistle, we are creating roles to suit us, not fitting into what we think “partner” or “committed relationship” (or at the Thistle “mentor,” “director,” “youth” etc.) means to other people. We create our own meaning, and in that we have our own power, power which no one can take away from us.
Non-hierarchical or horizontal doesn’t mean “no defined roles,” but yes, it might mean “anarchy.”
It doesn’t mean we pretend that everyone has the same skills, knowledge, or impact. It means that we value difference, delve into honest complexity, and challenge our assumptions. We take on roles in which we will thrive, and challenge ourselves and each other to learn more and try new roles. We confront things like patriarchy, racism, classism and colonialism that challenge true horizontality in ways that we can’t always even see.
I feel that there is so much more to say about this, but it isn’t in me yet or maybe won’t be. I would love to hear other’s thoughts on this huge topic.
And in the interest of breaking down hierarchy, I want to remind y’all that I’m no fucking expert.
I think about relationship a lot, I write as a way to process information and ideas and because I like to share ideas with people, but I am no more knowledgeable or experienced on this than most of you. We all have relationships (did you hear the news? Relationship doesn’t mean sexual partnership!) and we all experience hierarchies every day. I like to write, so I’ve taken this on as a part of my role in the world. That role is no more or less valuable than any other.
For more information on the rad youth centre that I wrote about, check out http://purplethistle.ca/
Thursday, 7 February 2013
Relationships as Microcosms of Culture: Hierarchy
I've been thinking a lot about the idea of relationships as microcosms of culture. I think there are endless possibilities of directions to go on that, and I hope to get to some more of them, but I'm also interested in compiling a zine on the topic, from many voices. If you're interested in writing (or talking to me) about how relationships reflect capitalism, class, racism, patriarchy, "democracy," nation states, or any other cultural institution/phenomenon, I'd love to hear from you!
The following doesn't really get into hierarchy on a broader level than relationships, and therefore doesn't really show how this is a microcosm effect, but I think you probably all can look around you and see how the issues of hierarchy apply to your daily life. Anyway, blogging is an infinite resource so it's okay that I don't cover it all in this one post.
So here goes-
Hierarchy vs Horizontality, not Monogamy vs Polyamory
I’ve been thinking a lot about monogamy and polyamory lately, about what does and does not work for me, and a common thread keeps coming up - that of hierarchy.
I don’t think that either monogamy or polyamory are superior to the other. What I know, is that any relationship model based on the idea that certain relationships (usually the ones involving sex or “romance”) are more important or of greater inherent value, really fucks with my head.
While the word monogamy generally gets used to mean the condition of having only one sexual and romantic partner at a time, polyamory or non-monogamy means the condition of having multiple sexual and romantic partners at one time, or at least the freedom to do so.
Neither, fundamentally, implies a necessary hierarchy. That said, our culture has ascribed a whole host of additional meaning onto the term monogamy (often used as if synonymous with “committed relationship”) which I personally find so difficult to shut out, that I must avoid the term so as to avoid the myths and biases that go along with it.
What are some of those myths? That in a “committed relationship” it is wrong to desire sex or “romance” from people other than your one partner. And not just sex, but also certain kinds of support and care, certain kinds of hang outs, a high level of excitement, or pretty much any other super awesome thing (at least if it is perceived that the other person in these roles could possibly be attractive/attracted to you - from here we get a whole bunch of subtle homophobia and so on...).
That true love means that one person can pretty much satisfy all your social, intellectual, emotional, and physical needs, and that if you are wanting it is because you do not love as much as you should, OR because your partner is just not perfect enough. Again, getting bits of these needs met from people who are perceived as out of the question for you to be attracted/attractive to (read: not a threat to this ridiculous hierarchy) may be acceptable.
Add that commitment is synonymous with sexual exclusivity, and that love is a finite resource which we must hoard.
Now, this last one, about love as a finite resource, is complicated. I actually don’t ascribe to the "love is an infinite resource" idea, and I’ll explain why.
First of all, how can we talk about any of these issues without figuring out what we mean when we talk about love? My definition is ever evolving, but is currently heavily influenced by the words of bell hooks in All About Love.
She suggests that love is an action, not a feeling. To love is to nurture someone’s spiritual growth.
Spiritual is a word that I don’t always connect to, so I think of loving as the act of nurturing someones personal growth; challenging them with kindness, compassion, and deep self-reflection so that we ensure we are not simply trying to make them grow like a bonsai bush into our favourite shape.
Many people think of love as a feeling, and I think there’s room for that within the discourse as well. But it’s not a feeling independent of the action. You could think of it like “runner’s high.”
There is no limit to the potential for the feeling of runners high for any individual or for the world, but you can’t experience runner’s high without running. Can you run infinitely? I certainly can’t. So to feel love, I must be doing the act of loving. To do the act of loving, I must have the time and energy to honestly nurture someone’s personal growth. This is a fairly energy intensive activity in my experience, and just like I run out of breath when I’m running, I use up all my loving energy sometimes and need to recharge alone, or in less love intensive social interaction.
Okay, time to return to the original topic of this post: hierarchy.
The main reason that monogamy and it’s cultural meanings (read: myths) fuck with my head, is that it reduces the value of the relationship to the maintenance of the hierarchy associated (through those aforementioned myths). I know folks who identify as monogamous and do not ascribe to those hierarchical ideas, and I’m super impressed and think that’s fucking great. The way my brain functions, I ascribe huge meaning to words and have a really hard time disassociating from the meanings that are culturally ingrained, so I can’t use the word monogamous without internalizing the cultural values that go along with it. I quickly associate so strongly with the relationship and with my partner, that I lose my sense of self, and my sense of self-worth other than that implied by the hierarchy. And because (in my experience) that hierarchy is VERY unstable (because we can’t actually be everything to our partner, or their absolute priority in every way, or the only person they find attractive, and so on) I start to feel very unstable myself. And that fucking sucks.
So, although I’ve been learning about non-monogamy and practicing it in different ways since I was a teenager, I still tend to forget it all when I really like someone, and start believing the myths again. I think, “oh yeah, i know i’ve identified as non-monogamous for 4 years, but that’s just ‘cause i didn’t like those people as much as i like this person (read: when love is true, hierarchical monogamy is magically realistic)” but also “well i don’t want to throw all that cool poly stuff out (or, my partner likes someone else so i better be okay with it) so we’ll be primary partner model non-monogamous (read: hierarchically non-monogamous).”
and then I face all the same issues around unstable hierarchy, only with the twist of putting my self (semi-) consensually in the position of constantly facing the threat of my partner meeting someone who will climb the ladder of hierarchy and replace me.
And then I fall apart and beg my partner to be monogamous so I don’t have to face that fear all the time, but that only makes me feel even needier, less stable as an individual, stronger in my identity as a partner not a person, AND like I am indebted to my partner for sacrificing their other desires to calm my nerves, which isn’t working anyway. Read: the past 1.5 months of my life.
AND THEN I REMEMBER THAT I’M AN ANARCHIST WHO BELIEVES IN REVOLUTION, NOT REFORM!
I need to change the framework, create a new world, not try to change or fit into the flawed one I’ve been born into. Why would this be true for all my other beliefs, but not relationship? I don’t believe that by making capitalism “green” we will solve the problems of infinite growth on a finite planet, so why would I believe that making hierarchical relationships “open” could solve the problems of placing hierarchy on something as complex as human relationship?
I am not advocating for relationships without conditions, or commitments, and if one of those commitments is that you and your partner save much of your loving energy or all of your sexual energy for each other because you don’t have enough of it to spread out too thin, then that’s just fine. I do think that most of us do have it in us to love more than one person, and that not all loving relationships need take up tons of time and energy (and none will ever look just like another). Regardless, a relationship that includes sex, or “romance,” or a lot of love, isn’t necessarily any more fundamental to a person’s thriving than their relationship with themselves, with friends whom they have a major intellectual connection to, someone who is very easy to be around when they are low energy... etc! All of these kinds of relationships are important.
Why have our conversations about relationship models so often been reduced to a comparison/contrast of monogamy and non-monogamy/polyamoury? I see this as a huge simplification. It's the underlying values that change the issues and our experience, more than the shape our relationships actually take. As with most things, I think we all benefit from a willingness to recognize the complexities of ourselves and the world. Relationship is too fundamental to human experience to allow it to fall into the pit of things we'd rather not deeply examine.
Everything I've written above has been greatly influenced by reading and conversation.
If you're one of the (many!) people I've spoken to about relationship recently, thank you.
Here's some of the writing that influenced my ideas, and that I think is super valuable as further exploration:
on hierarchy:
http://galadarling.com/article/infinite-relationships
http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2013/01/24/theproblemwithpolynormativity/
http://delightfullyqueer.wordpress.com/2012/10/01/poly-means-many-a-sceptics-point-of-view-on-hierarchies-and-labels/
http://theboywiththeinkedskin.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/poly-means-many-many.html
on love:
All About Love by bell hooks
on commitment:
http://delightfullyqueer.wordpress.com/2012/12/03/re-routing-the-escalators-what-does-commitment-look-like-in-polyamorous-relationships/
http://theboywiththeinkedskin.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/poly-means-many-commitment-does-not.html
a song i've been listening to on repeat (not that is is what Feist had in mind...):
http://grooveshark.com/s/Undiscovered+First/4bSfFG?src=5
The following doesn't really get into hierarchy on a broader level than relationships, and therefore doesn't really show how this is a microcosm effect, but I think you probably all can look around you and see how the issues of hierarchy apply to your daily life. Anyway, blogging is an infinite resource so it's okay that I don't cover it all in this one post.
So here goes-
Hierarchy vs Horizontality, not Monogamy vs Polyamory
I’ve been thinking a lot about monogamy and polyamory lately, about what does and does not work for me, and a common thread keeps coming up - that of hierarchy.
I don’t think that either monogamy or polyamory are superior to the other. What I know, is that any relationship model based on the idea that certain relationships (usually the ones involving sex or “romance”) are more important or of greater inherent value, really fucks with my head.
While the word monogamy generally gets used to mean the condition of having only one sexual and romantic partner at a time, polyamory or non-monogamy means the condition of having multiple sexual and romantic partners at one time, or at least the freedom to do so.
Neither, fundamentally, implies a necessary hierarchy. That said, our culture has ascribed a whole host of additional meaning onto the term monogamy (often used as if synonymous with “committed relationship”) which I personally find so difficult to shut out, that I must avoid the term so as to avoid the myths and biases that go along with it.
What are some of those myths? That in a “committed relationship” it is wrong to desire sex or “romance” from people other than your one partner. And not just sex, but also certain kinds of support and care, certain kinds of hang outs, a high level of excitement, or pretty much any other super awesome thing (at least if it is perceived that the other person in these roles could possibly be attractive/attracted to you - from here we get a whole bunch of subtle homophobia and so on...).
That true love means that one person can pretty much satisfy all your social, intellectual, emotional, and physical needs, and that if you are wanting it is because you do not love as much as you should, OR because your partner is just not perfect enough. Again, getting bits of these needs met from people who are perceived as out of the question for you to be attracted/attractive to (read: not a threat to this ridiculous hierarchy) may be acceptable.
Add that commitment is synonymous with sexual exclusivity, and that love is a finite resource which we must hoard.
Now, this last one, about love as a finite resource, is complicated. I actually don’t ascribe to the "love is an infinite resource" idea, and I’ll explain why.
First of all, how can we talk about any of these issues without figuring out what we mean when we talk about love? My definition is ever evolving, but is currently heavily influenced by the words of bell hooks in All About Love.
She suggests that love is an action, not a feeling. To love is to nurture someone’s spiritual growth.
Spiritual is a word that I don’t always connect to, so I think of loving as the act of nurturing someones personal growth; challenging them with kindness, compassion, and deep self-reflection so that we ensure we are not simply trying to make them grow like a bonsai bush into our favourite shape.
Many people think of love as a feeling, and I think there’s room for that within the discourse as well. But it’s not a feeling independent of the action. You could think of it like “runner’s high.”
There is no limit to the potential for the feeling of runners high for any individual or for the world, but you can’t experience runner’s high without running. Can you run infinitely? I certainly can’t. So to feel love, I must be doing the act of loving. To do the act of loving, I must have the time and energy to honestly nurture someone’s personal growth. This is a fairly energy intensive activity in my experience, and just like I run out of breath when I’m running, I use up all my loving energy sometimes and need to recharge alone, or in less love intensive social interaction.
Okay, time to return to the original topic of this post: hierarchy.
The main reason that monogamy and it’s cultural meanings (read: myths) fuck with my head, is that it reduces the value of the relationship to the maintenance of the hierarchy associated (through those aforementioned myths). I know folks who identify as monogamous and do not ascribe to those hierarchical ideas, and I’m super impressed and think that’s fucking great. The way my brain functions, I ascribe huge meaning to words and have a really hard time disassociating from the meanings that are culturally ingrained, so I can’t use the word monogamous without internalizing the cultural values that go along with it. I quickly associate so strongly with the relationship and with my partner, that I lose my sense of self, and my sense of self-worth other than that implied by the hierarchy. And because (in my experience) that hierarchy is VERY unstable (because we can’t actually be everything to our partner, or their absolute priority in every way, or the only person they find attractive, and so on) I start to feel very unstable myself. And that fucking sucks.
So, although I’ve been learning about non-monogamy and practicing it in different ways since I was a teenager, I still tend to forget it all when I really like someone, and start believing the myths again. I think, “oh yeah, i know i’ve identified as non-monogamous for 4 years, but that’s just ‘cause i didn’t like those people as much as i like this person (read: when love is true, hierarchical monogamy is magically realistic)” but also “well i don’t want to throw all that cool poly stuff out (or, my partner likes someone else so i better be okay with it) so we’ll be primary partner model non-monogamous (read: hierarchically non-monogamous).”
and then I face all the same issues around unstable hierarchy, only with the twist of putting my self (semi-) consensually in the position of constantly facing the threat of my partner meeting someone who will climb the ladder of hierarchy and replace me.
And then I fall apart and beg my partner to be monogamous so I don’t have to face that fear all the time, but that only makes me feel even needier, less stable as an individual, stronger in my identity as a partner not a person, AND like I am indebted to my partner for sacrificing their other desires to calm my nerves, which isn’t working anyway. Read: the past 1.5 months of my life.
AND THEN I REMEMBER THAT I’M AN ANARCHIST WHO BELIEVES IN REVOLUTION, NOT REFORM!
I need to change the framework, create a new world, not try to change or fit into the flawed one I’ve been born into. Why would this be true for all my other beliefs, but not relationship? I don’t believe that by making capitalism “green” we will solve the problems of infinite growth on a finite planet, so why would I believe that making hierarchical relationships “open” could solve the problems of placing hierarchy on something as complex as human relationship?
I am not advocating for relationships without conditions, or commitments, and if one of those commitments is that you and your partner save much of your loving energy or all of your sexual energy for each other because you don’t have enough of it to spread out too thin, then that’s just fine. I do think that most of us do have it in us to love more than one person, and that not all loving relationships need take up tons of time and energy (and none will ever look just like another). Regardless, a relationship that includes sex, or “romance,” or a lot of love, isn’t necessarily any more fundamental to a person’s thriving than their relationship with themselves, with friends whom they have a major intellectual connection to, someone who is very easy to be around when they are low energy... etc! All of these kinds of relationships are important.
Why have our conversations about relationship models so often been reduced to a comparison/contrast of monogamy and non-monogamy/polyamoury? I see this as a huge simplification. It's the underlying values that change the issues and our experience, more than the shape our relationships actually take. As with most things, I think we all benefit from a willingness to recognize the complexities of ourselves and the world. Relationship is too fundamental to human experience to allow it to fall into the pit of things we'd rather not deeply examine.
Everything I've written above has been greatly influenced by reading and conversation.
If you're one of the (many!) people I've spoken to about relationship recently, thank you.
Here's some of the writing that influenced my ideas, and that I think is super valuable as further exploration:
on hierarchy:
http://galadarling.com/article/infinite-relationships
http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2013/01/24/theproblemwithpolynormativity/
http://delightfullyqueer.wordpress.com/2012/10/01/poly-means-many-a-sceptics-point-of-view-on-hierarchies-and-labels/
http://theboywiththeinkedskin.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/poly-means-many-many.html
on love:
All About Love by bell hooks
on commitment:
http://delightfullyqueer.wordpress.com/2012/12/03/re-routing-the-escalators-what-does-commitment-look-like-in-polyamorous-relationships/
http://theboywiththeinkedskin.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/poly-means-many-commitment-does-not.html
a song i've been listening to on repeat (not that is is what Feist had in mind...):
http://grooveshark.com/s/Undiscovered+First/4bSfFG?src=5
Saturday, 26 January 2013
Open Letter to Sensitivity Friendly Restaurants
I wrote this letter after going out for my squeeze's mother's birthday brunch, to the only restaurant in Vancouver that I know to be able to accommodate my food needs. Regardless of their goal to be food sensitivity friendly and be "a place where the whole family can eat," I still feel othered and upset by the way I must go about getting my needs met. I will send this letter to them in the hopes that they may change some of their practices.
Dear Aphrodite's,
I am someone who values your restaurant as the only one in Vancouver (that I have found) that accommodates my food sensitivities. I recently had brunch in the shop and, while the food I got was great and worked well for my health, a few things still upset me. I hope that you might be able to take into consideration some ideas for how to honour not only peoples' food sensitivities, but also to be sensitive enough for people to feel "normal" or no less valid in their needs than other customers.
Here are some things that would make eating out, for a person like me with serious digestive problems and a longer list of things I can't eat than things I can, a much more enjoyable experience:
1. Make a full list of ingredients available to any person who asks for specific information. This could mean having a menu with full ingredients listed available and giving one to each table, or asking if anyone at the table would like such a list, or having your servers memorize full lists (as someone who has often had a crucial allergens forgotten from friends' and servers' memory, this idea makes me nervous but I understand that for the sake of your chef's privacy, it may feel more secure).
2. When a customer asks to know exactly what is in something, tell them (or give them above suggested list/menu) a full ingredients list, rather than asking what someone can't eat. For many people, being asked this question brings up a lot of guilt and shame at being "hard to feed" and contributes to a sense of otherness. In my case, I know that the list of things I can't eat is so long that the server does not have the time to hear it, and I don't have the desire or energy to say it.
3. All dressings should be mentioned on the menu, or the server should confirm with the customer whether they would like their salad dressed or the dressing on the side. In my case, a simple dressing of lemon and olive oil is often the best option, as vinegars, soy based sauces, and many oils aggravate my condition.
These suggestions are designed to make me feel safer to come to your restaurant to eat. As I mentioned, there are no other restaurants I have found in the city to accommodate my needs, and as you can imagine, because eating out is often central to social activity and celebration, it is very important to me to have positive experiences at your establishment.
Thank you for working food sensitivities into your business plan and I look forward to another delicious meal at the shop soon.
Best,
Fiona
Dear Aphrodite's,
I am someone who values your restaurant as the only one in Vancouver (that I have found) that accommodates my food sensitivities. I recently had brunch in the shop and, while the food I got was great and worked well for my health, a few things still upset me. I hope that you might be able to take into consideration some ideas for how to honour not only peoples' food sensitivities, but also to be sensitive enough for people to feel "normal" or no less valid in their needs than other customers.
Here are some things that would make eating out, for a person like me with serious digestive problems and a longer list of things I can't eat than things I can, a much more enjoyable experience:
1. Make a full list of ingredients available to any person who asks for specific information. This could mean having a menu with full ingredients listed available and giving one to each table, or asking if anyone at the table would like such a list, or having your servers memorize full lists (as someone who has often had a crucial allergens forgotten from friends' and servers' memory, this idea makes me nervous but I understand that for the sake of your chef's privacy, it may feel more secure).
2. When a customer asks to know exactly what is in something, tell them (or give them above suggested list/menu) a full ingredients list, rather than asking what someone can't eat. For many people, being asked this question brings up a lot of guilt and shame at being "hard to feed" and contributes to a sense of otherness. In my case, I know that the list of things I can't eat is so long that the server does not have the time to hear it, and I don't have the desire or energy to say it.
3. All dressings should be mentioned on the menu, or the server should confirm with the customer whether they would like their salad dressed or the dressing on the side. In my case, a simple dressing of lemon and olive oil is often the best option, as vinegars, soy based sauces, and many oils aggravate my condition.
These suggestions are designed to make me feel safer to come to your restaurant to eat. As I mentioned, there are no other restaurants I have found in the city to accommodate my needs, and as you can imagine, because eating out is often central to social activity and celebration, it is very important to me to have positive experiences at your establishment.
Thank you for working food sensitivities into your business plan and I look forward to another delicious meal at the shop soon.
Best,
Fiona
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
On Sexting and Assumed Consent
sexting, along with sexy emails, are something i am in theory totally down for - they are an extension of our sexual expression and experience, additional ways in which we can engage with each other in hot and enjoyable ways.
that said, i have often felt violated upon receiving these messages; here are some of my thoughts on why that happens and what to do about it.
when we send a sexy message, it is a reflection of the space that we are in: likely kinda horny, thinking about sex and/or about the person we are messaging, and potentially not distracted by or focused on other things such as work, family, self-care, or other aspects of daily life. that's great! but the person receiving the message is fairly likely to be focusing on something else at that moment.
in the same way that we are thoughtful of our partners(s) emotional, physical, and mental mood/desire/consent/space in our face-to-face (or preferred position) intimate time , we need to take these things into account before hitting send buttons.
if i had just had an emotionally heated conversation with my mother and then you and i are alone together, what's the first thing you'd do? probably ask me how i'm doing, we would talk about the situation for a bit (if i needed/wanted to), and then potentially, if body language, verbal consent, or 'vibes' seemed right, we might slowly begin to move towards sexual intimacy. the fact that we are in the same space allows for us to use many tools and levels of intuition to asses each other's boundaries and emotional states.
those same signals aren't inherently present in text land, and we need to be cognizant of this.
if i am having that same conversation with my mother and hear the little 'bring' of a new message, and distractedly read "i was just touching myself and thinking of you," i will feel not only awkward, but thrust into a type of interaction i am not in the mood for and do not consent to.
i truly want sexy messages to be part of my healthy sexual relationships, but i've found that most of the time i am so caught off guard by the sudden assumed intimacy that i feel violated, upset, and disgusted by the person who sent it. i don't want to feel this way at all, let alone about someone that i trust and have generally positive and sexy feelings about!
so here's my plea:
keep being sexy. keep being sex positive and expressing yourself in ways that work for you and your partners, but ease into sexting in the same way you ease into sex. check in on what your message recipient is up to, since you aren't around to see. consider writing something like "i'm having sexy thoughts about you, would you like me to share?"
it might feel awkward and like it wrecks the spontaneity that makes sexting fun, but remember that those are the same arguments that many people make the first time they learn about the importance of explicit consent for physical sex. once you get used to it, it will enhance your experiences and relationships by ensuring that folks feel respected and are accountable to their needs and desires.
Thursday, 6 December 2012
arugula-cucumber-kimchi 'sushi'
today i went to a neighbourhood that isn't normally on my route, and happened upon a place i've meant to check out for years (since they opened).
Granger Grocery, home of Connie's Cookin', is a mini corner grocery store with a super small scale korean kitchen where Connie, a lovely and sweet foodie, makes a different meal everyday and when you go, that's what you get. she also makes her own kimchi and sells it in the shop (see where i'm going here?).
i'm not usually running around town looking for new small businesses- sure, i'm glad they exist (relative to big business) but it takes a personal connection for me to actually care.
back when i worked at a bakery on main street, Jamie (co-owner with Connie of the grocery store/diner) used to come into the shop about once a week and buy 12 loaves of bread. he refused to call ahead so we could be prepared with the bread sliced and packaged when he arrived, and preferred to slow the errand down as he chatted with us about the excitement and frustration of starting his business. taking his time was an important part of his ideal business model. needless to say, if you've every worked in service, people like this are memorable and definitely make the job much more tolerable.
i had mostly forgotten about though, until i started working at the farmer's market where Jamie also regularly orders from the farm i work at. so there he was again, hanging around and chit-chatting. my curiosity was peaked as he mentioned the kitchen element of the shop and promised me that if it wasn't too busy Connie would surely be able to cook me something that would fit my diet.
so today, i was at Heather and 16th for a bodytalk session, and saw this cute looking grocery store. then i saw "Connie's Cookin'" and Jamie's friendly face inside the window. i stopped in.
i'm not going to go on about the character of the place, for that you should check out this article about Connie's Cookin' where someone with a good camera and nice words can give you the picture much better than i.
what i can say is that Jamie and Connie are nice. Connie really cares about food and promised to cook some millet and freeze it so it would be ready the next time i come in, and i agreed to get them some garlic from the farm as they've been too busy to come by recently.
i also bought some amazing kimchi that Connie made. if my memory is correct, she said it has in it nappa cabbage, pear, carrot, green onion, ginger, garlic, and just a little bit of hot pepper. it is fermented, no added sugar, and not canned (ie killed).
so i got home and was hungry and wanted to do something special with my treat.
kimchi sushi:
toasted nori wraps
leftover quinoa and fermented millet porridge (use whatever grains you have, you just need to make sure it's sticky so cook with a lid on and extra fluid/time, or use something porridgy like i did..)
sesame oil
garlic
salt+pepper
cucumber
arugula
kimchi
cook/reheat your grains to get the right texture(sticky, but not too moist. think of sushi rice but it can be more blendy than that). add sesame oil, garlic, salt and pepper to taste. allow to cool.
take a nori sheet and place on clean/dry counter-top, shiny side down.
spread a thin layer of your grain mix on the nori, about covering just under half of the sheet.
put arugula (or any soft greens will work), cucumber, any other veggies you like, and some kimchi on there too. when it comes to nori wraps, remember, less is more. you don't want it to be too big to get your mouth around, or it's a kinda hard to eat.
roll, starting with the covered side, and when you get to the edge dip your fingers in your kimchi brine and moisten the edge of the nori sheet. then finish rolling it. the moist edge will help it stick together.
i prefer not to cut my sushi, as it's hard to get right without a pretty damn good knife. i eat it like a burrito.
enjoy!
Granger Grocery, home of Connie's Cookin', is a mini corner grocery store with a super small scale korean kitchen where Connie, a lovely and sweet foodie, makes a different meal everyday and when you go, that's what you get. she also makes her own kimchi and sells it in the shop (see where i'm going here?).
i'm not usually running around town looking for new small businesses- sure, i'm glad they exist (relative to big business) but it takes a personal connection for me to actually care.
back when i worked at a bakery on main street, Jamie (co-owner with Connie of the grocery store/diner) used to come into the shop about once a week and buy 12 loaves of bread. he refused to call ahead so we could be prepared with the bread sliced and packaged when he arrived, and preferred to slow the errand down as he chatted with us about the excitement and frustration of starting his business. taking his time was an important part of his ideal business model. needless to say, if you've every worked in service, people like this are memorable and definitely make the job much more tolerable.
i had mostly forgotten about though, until i started working at the farmer's market where Jamie also regularly orders from the farm i work at. so there he was again, hanging around and chit-chatting. my curiosity was peaked as he mentioned the kitchen element of the shop and promised me that if it wasn't too busy Connie would surely be able to cook me something that would fit my diet.
so today, i was at Heather and 16th for a bodytalk session, and saw this cute looking grocery store. then i saw "Connie's Cookin'" and Jamie's friendly face inside the window. i stopped in.
i'm not going to go on about the character of the place, for that you should check out this article about Connie's Cookin' where someone with a good camera and nice words can give you the picture much better than i.
what i can say is that Jamie and Connie are nice. Connie really cares about food and promised to cook some millet and freeze it so it would be ready the next time i come in, and i agreed to get them some garlic from the farm as they've been too busy to come by recently.
i also bought some amazing kimchi that Connie made. if my memory is correct, she said it has in it nappa cabbage, pear, carrot, green onion, ginger, garlic, and just a little bit of hot pepper. it is fermented, no added sugar, and not canned (ie killed).
so i got home and was hungry and wanted to do something special with my treat.
kimchi sushi:
toasted nori wraps
leftover quinoa and fermented millet porridge (use whatever grains you have, you just need to make sure it's sticky so cook with a lid on and extra fluid/time, or use something porridgy like i did..)
sesame oil
garlic
salt+pepper
cucumber
arugula
kimchi
cook/reheat your grains to get the right texture(sticky, but not too moist. think of sushi rice but it can be more blendy than that). add sesame oil, garlic, salt and pepper to taste. allow to cool.
take a nori sheet and place on clean/dry counter-top, shiny side down.
spread a thin layer of your grain mix on the nori, about covering just under half of the sheet.
 |
| it begins |
put arugula (or any soft greens will work), cucumber, any other veggies you like, and some kimchi on there too. when it comes to nori wraps, remember, less is more. you don't want it to be too big to get your mouth around, or it's a kinda hard to eat.
 |
| ready to roll |
roll, starting with the covered side, and when you get to the edge dip your fingers in your kimchi brine and moisten the edge of the nori sheet. then finish rolling it. the moist edge will help it stick together.
i prefer not to cut my sushi, as it's hard to get right without a pretty damn good knife. i eat it like a burrito.
 |
| ready to scarf by candle light |
enjoy!
Monday, 3 December 2012
Tarts for Breakfast
Or perhaps some pudding instead?
As someone who doesn't eat sugar (including many natural fructose sources) or almost any flour, it can be pretty hard for me to create treats, sweet breakfasts, or desserts that will not contribute to my health problems. That said, it's pretty fracking exciting when I find or develop a sweet treat that fits into my diet.
The following recipe is something I created this past weekend to bring to my dear friend's family's holiday gathering. I can't tell you how good it felt to be indulging in dessert along with the family - there is something so affirming about eating alongside with people, and especially when other people are eating the same food as me (and, needless to say, the opposite is also true: it's very isolating and sad to be unable to enjoy food with the people I love, or to have everyone else indulging in one thing while I have a compensation prize).
If you've read other posts in which I mention the principles of food combining, you will notice that this recipe does not comply with those guidelines. I have realized that my mental and emotional health (intrinsically related to physical health) are so enriched by having 'treats' and eating with people that the minor slowing of digestion caused by 'improper' combining is barely worth blinking at.
SO! here's my recipe for gluten-free, grain-free, sugar-free squash tarts/squash pudding:
Squash Pudding:
-enough for one 9" pie OR 12 tarts, plus a little extra to bake as pudding
3 cups purreed sweet meat (or other sweet) squash
3 tb xylitol (more if you eat a lot of sugar, I do not so this tasted plenty sweet to me)
3 tsp cinnamon
1 1/2 tsp ginger powder (or fresh ginger)
1 tsp 5 spice
1 tsp salt
4 eggs, lightly beaten
1 cup kefir*
12 frozen/fresh cranberries (optional - to decorate tarts)
*I use goats milk kefir that I make, because it is the only creamy product I can digest (the fermentation converts lactose into lactic acid which makes it much more digestible, but also gives it a tart flavour). Coconut milk or whole cream would offer a sweeter flavour, so feel free to use whatever works for you.
Tart/Pie crust:
-enough for a 9" pie or 12 tarts
3/4 c quinoa flour
2/3 c millet flour*
1 tb xylitol
1/2 c very cold butter
cold water
* I couldn't find any at a store so I just put some millet through a coffee grinder which I don't use coffee in.
Preheat oven to 450 F
First, cut your butter into small chunks and put it in the freezer. Mix all the pudding ingredients together and set aside. In a food processor, combine flour and xylitol. Take your butter from the freezer and add to food processor. Pulse until it is mixed and crumbly, with small bits of butter throughout. It will look very dry, and perhaps only be a doughy texture at the bottom of the processor bowl near the blades. I added some cold water (only about a teaspoon) and pulsed a bit more. Dump out 'dough' (will still look very dry) onto a plate or directly into your 9" pie plate if you're making it a pie. If you grab a handful of the mixture, you should be able to press it into a clump in your hand (if not, add a tiny bit more cold water and mix in). Press dough into pie plate or into muffin cups. Try to make sure it's evenly distributed without any super thick or super thin spots.
Take your pudding and poor into pie/tart crust(s). Fill them as high as you can without spilling. Add a cranberry to the top of each tart if you like. Pour remaining pudding into an oven safe dish.
Bake for 10 minutes at 450, then reduce heat to 350 for another 25-30 minutes. If you put a clean knife into the center of a tart, it should come out clean. Depending on what size/shape of dish you put your extra pudding into, it may cook faster or slower.
Enjoy as a dessert, a healthy sweet snack, or as part of a lovely breakfast. I the pudding would be extra delicious with some warm carrot cranberry lime sauce on top! Yum.
As someone who doesn't eat sugar (including many natural fructose sources) or almost any flour, it can be pretty hard for me to create treats, sweet breakfasts, or desserts that will not contribute to my health problems. That said, it's pretty fracking exciting when I find or develop a sweet treat that fits into my diet.
The following recipe is something I created this past weekend to bring to my dear friend's family's holiday gathering. I can't tell you how good it felt to be indulging in dessert along with the family - there is something so affirming about eating alongside with people, and especially when other people are eating the same food as me (and, needless to say, the opposite is also true: it's very isolating and sad to be unable to enjoy food with the people I love, or to have everyone else indulging in one thing while I have a compensation prize).
 |
| the amazing spread! my tarts are the ones in paper |
If you've read other posts in which I mention the principles of food combining, you will notice that this recipe does not comply with those guidelines. I have realized that my mental and emotional health (intrinsically related to physical health) are so enriched by having 'treats' and eating with people that the minor slowing of digestion caused by 'improper' combining is barely worth blinking at.
SO! here's my recipe for gluten-free, grain-free, sugar-free squash tarts/squash pudding:
Squash Pudding:
-enough for one 9" pie OR 12 tarts, plus a little extra to bake as pudding
3 cups purreed sweet meat (or other sweet) squash
3 tb xylitol (more if you eat a lot of sugar, I do not so this tasted plenty sweet to me)
3 tsp cinnamon
1 1/2 tsp ginger powder (or fresh ginger)
1 tsp 5 spice
1 tsp salt
4 eggs, lightly beaten
1 cup kefir*
12 frozen/fresh cranberries (optional - to decorate tarts)
*I use goats milk kefir that I make, because it is the only creamy product I can digest (the fermentation converts lactose into lactic acid which makes it much more digestible, but also gives it a tart flavour). Coconut milk or whole cream would offer a sweeter flavour, so feel free to use whatever works for you.
Tart/Pie crust:
-enough for a 9" pie or 12 tarts
3/4 c quinoa flour
2/3 c millet flour*
1 tb xylitol
1/2 c very cold butter
cold water
* I couldn't find any at a store so I just put some millet through a coffee grinder which I don't use coffee in.
Preheat oven to 450 F
First, cut your butter into small chunks and put it in the freezer. Mix all the pudding ingredients together and set aside. In a food processor, combine flour and xylitol. Take your butter from the freezer and add to food processor. Pulse until it is mixed and crumbly, with small bits of butter throughout. It will look very dry, and perhaps only be a doughy texture at the bottom of the processor bowl near the blades. I added some cold water (only about a teaspoon) and pulsed a bit more. Dump out 'dough' (will still look very dry) onto a plate or directly into your 9" pie plate if you're making it a pie. If you grab a handful of the mixture, you should be able to press it into a clump in your hand (if not, add a tiny bit more cold water and mix in). Press dough into pie plate or into muffin cups. Try to make sure it's evenly distributed without any super thick or super thin spots.
Take your pudding and poor into pie/tart crust(s). Fill them as high as you can without spilling. Add a cranberry to the top of each tart if you like. Pour remaining pudding into an oven safe dish.
Bake for 10 minutes at 450, then reduce heat to 350 for another 25-30 minutes. If you put a clean knife into the center of a tart, it should come out clean. Depending on what size/shape of dish you put your extra pudding into, it may cook faster or slower.
 |
| they should look something like this, but nicer in better lighting |
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Sweet Cranberry Carrot Sauce (no sugar!) Recipe
Often recipes for preserves are inaccessible to me (see my food/restrictions list in older post), but I enjoy cooking and canning so much that I make them anyway and give them away or sell them. Every so often I find or come up with something that will work for me though, and these moments are exciting.
So when ridiculous amounts of organic carrots and limes fell into my life, I saw an opportunity. This is a recipe I developed 2 months ago when I wanted to go to a pancake breakfast and knew that the toppings would not be accessible for me. I whipped this up and was delighted with the results.
Quantities are approximate, just make it taste good to you. One thing to note is that the high amount of lime and cranberries are what makes it suitable for low pressure/time canning, but if you want it less tart just adjust your canning time or eat it fresh.
My roommate (who is a nurse) helped me geek out about food science by bringing PH strips home from the hospital so we were able to test the acidity and know how to can it appropriately. The PH was between 3 and 4, in other words it counted as a high acid food and could be canned like apple sauce or other fruit.
 |
| canned cranberry carrot sauce with the cornucopia i got from the farmers market on saturday behind |
Makes approx. 3 litres.
Ingredients:
22 cups roughly chopped carrots
2 cups frozen cranberries
a few inches of water at the bottom of your pot (for steam)
***
additional water
3 cups frozen cranberries
1 cup lime juice
zest of 5 limes
stevia powder (I use the green unprocessed kind) to taste - start small! it is very very sweet.
prep:
put your carrots and 2 cups cranberries and some water in a pot with a tight fitting lid. put on medium high heat and steam until very soft (30mins-1hr). use a hand blender (or in batches in a barrel blender) to blend until smooth. add water as necessary to make a saucey texture. I like it thick enough to heap slightly on a spoon, definitely saucey not spready.
add additional ingredients and simmer, adjusting all ingredients to taste.
eat fresh (will keep in fridge a week or so) on pancakes (I found the flavour amazing with buckwheat amaranth pancakes), ice cream, rice pudding... I've thought about trying to turn this into a cranberry carrot pie or combining it with squash for a pie filling.
Let me know how you like it!
or can it!
canning:
water bath:
in water bath canner I would follow directions for apple sauce or other high acid/fruit sauce. sterilize jars in boiling water and fill with hot water until ready to use. place lids in hot water. dump boiling water out of jars and fill with sauce leaving 1/2 inch headspace. make sure the rims of your jars are clean and place lids on and tighten rings to finger tight. put in your water bath and boil about 20 minutes with water 2 inches above tops of cans.
pressure canner:
follow instructions on your canner...
fill clean jars with hot water until ready to use. prepare lids in hot water. dump water from jars and fill with sauce, leaving 1/2 inch headspace. clean the rims and place lids and rings; tighten finger tight. place jars in canner (my canner calls for 3.5 litres hot water, check your manual) and follow canner directions. processing time 8-10 minutes.
enjoy!!
and if you're in vancouver, unceded coast salish territories and want to buy some from me for yourself or for consumer-mas gifts, please get in touch! 250ml jars $5-10 sliding scale. I used all organic ingredients.
Friday, 23 November 2012
CRAFTS FOR A CAUSE DECEMBER 1ST!
I will be selling stuff here with the Purple Thistle Centre!
canned apple butter, apple chutney, carrot cranberry sauce, raw sauerkraut and more!
Crafts for a Cause: Rhizome Cafe's5th Annual Craft Fair to Support Social Justice Struggles
Saturday December 1st, 6-10pm
Rhizome Café, 317 East Broadway, Vancouver, Coast Salish Territories
pottery - soap - letterpress - textiles - posters - clothing - herbal teas & salves - knitting - tshirts- paintings- buttons - fair trade coffee - handmade toys - photography - seeds - cards - canning ...
including: no one is illegal * environmental youth alliance * rising tide * fierce green creations * la mano - ethical textiles * sam bradd designs * purple thistle * just jingo * compassion club * cafe justicia * favianna rodriguez * justpotters * claudia segovia * artists against artists * coinspire collective * more...
Free swag bags to first 15 people
$2 entrance fee (no-one turned away)
Partial proceeds from artists' sales are distributed to participating organizations
Partial proceeds from artists' sales are distributed to participating organizations
Food & drink available for purchase.
Fully licenced.
--
Come shop for holiday gifts while supporting migrant rights, youth empowerment, climate justice and more! Peruse socially conscious crafts by local artists, and items created by local organizations to support their social justice work. Rhizome's delicious food and drink will be available for purchase throughout the evening.
Participating artists and organizations include:No One is Illegal: noii-van.resist.ca/
The Purple Thistle: www.purplethistle.ca/
Environmental Youth Alliance: www.eya.ca
JustPotters: www.justwork.ca/justpotters.
Rising Tide: www.facebook.com/groups/
Compassion Club Wellness Centre: www.thecompassionclub.org/
Fair Trade Coffee from Cafe Justicia: www.cafejusticia.ca/
la mano - ethical textiles: www.lamano.ca/
Silkscreening & Linocuts by the Co!nspire Collective: http://coinspire.tumblr.com/
Wood Veneer Prints by Artists Against Artists:
www.facebook.com/pages/
Prints & Calendars by Favianna Rodriguez: www.favianna.com/
Rhizome Cafe T-Shirts and Buttons: www.rhizomecafe.ca/
Letterpress by Sam Bradd Designs: www.sambradd.com/
Photos & block prints by fierce green creations: www.etsy.com/shop/fiercegreen
One of a Kind Toys from Claudia Segovia: www.etsy.com/shop/
and Just Jingo Body Botanicals: justjingo.com/
jennifer faith boundy, ma
la mano - ethical textiles
la mano is:
- supporting the economic autonomy of women and indigenous peoples -
- assisting in the preservation of culture and traditional livelihoods -
- contributing to local community economic development -
- increasing the viability of small scale production -
- ensuring that artisans are paid a fair price for their work -
- supporting communities to maintain a stronghold on their land and on their identities -
- supporting the economic autonomy of women and indigenous peoples -
- assisting in the preservation of culture and traditional livelihoods -
- contributing to local community economic development -
- increasing the viability of small scale production -
- ensuring that artisans are paid a fair price for their work -
- supporting communities to maintain a stronghold on their land and on their identities -
Thursday, 4 October 2012
counter-culture: on demystifying food and resisting capitalist production models
(THIS ARTICLE SOON TO BE PUBLISHED IN SLUG ZINE!)
fermentation.
6 months ago, fermentation was a brand new idea to me. i had tried making kimchi once, and though i think, looking back, that my attempt was successful, at the time i was so freaked out by it that when my fermented treat gave me gas (which i now know to be a sign that it was full of good stuff that my body just wasn’t accustomed to yet) i thought i was being poisoned by evil bacteria and i threw it out.
after some reading about nutrition and healing my inner-ecosystem, i was determined to try again. in perfect timing, 2 members of the community food project eat the rich! which i’m involved in were hosting a fermentation workshop. we got together, talked about the basics of lacto-fermentation, and then dug our hands into some cabbage and made it happen. a week later, i had my first home-made sauerkraut and i was hooked.
from then on, every few weeks i would start a new batch of sauerkraut, enjoying the process of getting my hands all salty and massaging the veggies, experimenting with recipes, watching the kraut bubble and change, regularly googling “can i ferment ____??!” and getting inspired by every new idea. one day, i got home and my roommate said “i wanted to make brownies, but then i didn’t want to eat them all myself, and then i thought ‘MAYBE FIONA CAN FERMENT THEM!’” (er, that was one thing i didn’t try, just by the way)
it was becoming an obsession, or more positively, a passion.
after a few months in which i babbled about fermentation to anyone who would listen and regularly posted fuckbook statuses about the things i was trying, people started asking me if i would make extra for them. i thought about it for a long time, dreamed about having a giant crock and doing large batch, sharing with the world... i was pretty overwhelmed by the idea but excited as well. i sat with it for a long time thinking it was beyond my capacity, until one day i just started. i created a fuckbook group where i would post my most recent brew and asked people to simply comment on my post if they wanted a jar. i have been sold out for 2 months.
it’s easy to think about production and sales as a huge deal, something we need to have large capacity to do. we think about capitalist trading as it normally happens, where the producer is responsible for always making profit, always increasing capacity. fuck that! i want to make healthy food accessible to people, but i also need to do it in a way that works for me. making healthy affordable specialty foods and distributing the small amount of extra that i have is better than being overwhelmed by the idea of meeting demand and not doing anything at all, or, even worse, creating a business in which i work myself into a hate for my passion, and probably compromise quality and care along the way.
i am aware that there is a trend towards small scale specialty hipster food right now, and in some ways i am benefiting from this trend. even a few years back, my obsession would have been looked upon much less kindly than it is now. that said, i want to subvert the trendy new-age capitalism that’s accompanying the new food culture. i am not going to charge high prices just because i can (well... i might hike prices for yuppie events, but only so i can keep charging my community at cost. see you at the culture crawl!), and i do my best to be aware of and transparent about the privilege and class implications of demanding ‘high quality,’ ‘organic,’ or ‘local’ food. i ‘sell’ by sliding scale, am open to trades and i-owe-yous, and am just trying to build enough funds to do things like buy jars, maybe a crock, and... fund my upcoming tattoo, a pint at a time.
2 weeks ago, i led my first fermentation workshop. i felt like a bit of a fraud, being so new to the process and really just getting people together for a conversation and to chop fruit together. our culture really idolizes ‘teachers,’ and i felt like to be one i had to be doing something really complicated. but then, i have no interest in ‘teaching.’ i want to demystify. i want to make things as simple and manageable as they really are. i have no interest in pretending that what i do takes tons of skill and practice and that i am super special for doing it. i’m just passionate about it, and if i can share that, i will. i believe that demystifying skills is key in changing the world (read revolution, anarchy, destruction of capitalism, saving the physical world, etc) - for me, demystifying fermentation took one night in a room with some friends.
so with those lofty goals in mind, i’m going to share the recipe which we made at the workshop. it’s something i adapted from a recipe on someone elses blog, which i have enjoyed myself and had rave reviews from the folks i ‘sell’ to.
a note about lacto-fermentation and sugar: if you avoid sugars because of candida (yeast) issues, fermented fruits should be okay. i know less about other reasons to avoid sugar, but my understanding is that fermentation should negate most of them. why is this? lacto-fermentation happens when the starches and sugars (fructose, glucose, etc) in vegetables and fruit convert to lactic acid by a friendly lactic-acid producing bacteria called lactobacillus. this conversion process alters the nutrient content, pre-digests the food (making nutrients more accessible to your body!), creates enzymes that help you digest, and promotes bacteria that will actually help with issues like candidiasis. it also preserves food, so that a jar of fermented fruit or veggies in your fridge will last months instead of days like raw fresh fruit/veggies. it actually gets healthier (and many say tastier) with time.
Making fermented fruit chutney
for 1 litre jar:
-4 cups chopped fruit, ideally some core fruit like apples or pears and a few other things for colour and flavour (it’s plum season right now!)
-1 cup chopped sweet onion
-1 lemon, juiced
-1 tb grated ginger
-2 tsp kosher* salt (look for any salt without iodine, silicone, sugar... - ingredients should just be salt)
Start by boiling a big pot of water. Once it is boiling, put your big jar and a smaller one that fits inside (for a weight) into the water and let it boil 5-10 minutes. Take out and let cool on a clean surface.
Slice onions thinly, and slice thin wedges of fruit. For softer fruit like plums don’t worry about the size and shape of the pieces. Mix the fruit, salt, lemon juice and ginger. Pack the mixture into your sterilized large jar. The juices should cover the top (press down with your fist) of the solid fruit. Put a smaller jar on top to weight any chunks down (expansion will happen in the next few days, so if you find that the jar is floating and needs more weight, just fill it with water and press down - check it daily and press it down when necessary). Cover with a plastic bag to deter fruit flies, and leave out for 3-6 days (depending how warm the room is and how sour you like it). Taste it, it should be barely sweet if at all, perhaps a bit fizzy feeling, and very delicious. Put a lid on it but don’t seal it airtight as it will continue to expand slightly, and put in the refrigerator. This is better eaten within a few months, so don’t make huge batches and share it with your friends if you have too much!
Basic Fermentation Precautions
1. Sterilize tools as much as possible. Boiliing jars and tools in hot water for a few minutes is a good way to do this. Use glass or stainless steel, ideally. (it can get hot and doesn't off-gas carcinogens)
2. Don't kill your good bacteria! Some things you wouldn't expect will kill your culture (chlorinated water, iodine in salt, bergamot in earl grey tea). Also don't cook it, if beneficial bacteria is what you’re after!
3. If it seems weird, it just might be no good. Use your senses and your brain. Common indicators of problems are: mold, discoloration, funky smells.
Basic Lacto-Fermentation Factors
1. Temperature
2. Time
3. Amount of fermentable material
4. Amount of salt
have fun experimenting!
fermentation.
6 months ago, fermentation was a brand new idea to me. i had tried making kimchi once, and though i think, looking back, that my attempt was successful, at the time i was so freaked out by it that when my fermented treat gave me gas (which i now know to be a sign that it was full of good stuff that my body just wasn’t accustomed to yet) i thought i was being poisoned by evil bacteria and i threw it out.
after some reading about nutrition and healing my inner-ecosystem, i was determined to try again. in perfect timing, 2 members of the community food project eat the rich! which i’m involved in were hosting a fermentation workshop. we got together, talked about the basics of lacto-fermentation, and then dug our hands into some cabbage and made it happen. a week later, i had my first home-made sauerkraut and i was hooked.
from then on, every few weeks i would start a new batch of sauerkraut, enjoying the process of getting my hands all salty and massaging the veggies, experimenting with recipes, watching the kraut bubble and change, regularly googling “can i ferment ____??!” and getting inspired by every new idea. one day, i got home and my roommate said “i wanted to make brownies, but then i didn’t want to eat them all myself, and then i thought ‘MAYBE FIONA CAN FERMENT THEM!’” (er, that was one thing i didn’t try, just by the way)
it was becoming an obsession, or more positively, a passion.
after a few months in which i babbled about fermentation to anyone who would listen and regularly posted fuckbook statuses about the things i was trying, people started asking me if i would make extra for them. i thought about it for a long time, dreamed about having a giant crock and doing large batch, sharing with the world... i was pretty overwhelmed by the idea but excited as well. i sat with it for a long time thinking it was beyond my capacity, until one day i just started. i created a fuckbook group where i would post my most recent brew and asked people to simply comment on my post if they wanted a jar. i have been sold out for 2 months.
it’s easy to think about production and sales as a huge deal, something we need to have large capacity to do. we think about capitalist trading as it normally happens, where the producer is responsible for always making profit, always increasing capacity. fuck that! i want to make healthy food accessible to people, but i also need to do it in a way that works for me. making healthy affordable specialty foods and distributing the small amount of extra that i have is better than being overwhelmed by the idea of meeting demand and not doing anything at all, or, even worse, creating a business in which i work myself into a hate for my passion, and probably compromise quality and care along the way.
i am aware that there is a trend towards small scale specialty hipster food right now, and in some ways i am benefiting from this trend. even a few years back, my obsession would have been looked upon much less kindly than it is now. that said, i want to subvert the trendy new-age capitalism that’s accompanying the new food culture. i am not going to charge high prices just because i can (well... i might hike prices for yuppie events, but only so i can keep charging my community at cost. see you at the culture crawl!), and i do my best to be aware of and transparent about the privilege and class implications of demanding ‘high quality,’ ‘organic,’ or ‘local’ food. i ‘sell’ by sliding scale, am open to trades and i-owe-yous, and am just trying to build enough funds to do things like buy jars, maybe a crock, and... fund my upcoming tattoo, a pint at a time.
2 weeks ago, i led my first fermentation workshop. i felt like a bit of a fraud, being so new to the process and really just getting people together for a conversation and to chop fruit together. our culture really idolizes ‘teachers,’ and i felt like to be one i had to be doing something really complicated. but then, i have no interest in ‘teaching.’ i want to demystify. i want to make things as simple and manageable as they really are. i have no interest in pretending that what i do takes tons of skill and practice and that i am super special for doing it. i’m just passionate about it, and if i can share that, i will. i believe that demystifying skills is key in changing the world (read revolution, anarchy, destruction of capitalism, saving the physical world, etc) - for me, demystifying fermentation took one night in a room with some friends.
so with those lofty goals in mind, i’m going to share the recipe which we made at the workshop. it’s something i adapted from a recipe on someone elses blog, which i have enjoyed myself and had rave reviews from the folks i ‘sell’ to.
a note about lacto-fermentation and sugar: if you avoid sugars because of candida (yeast) issues, fermented fruits should be okay. i know less about other reasons to avoid sugar, but my understanding is that fermentation should negate most of them. why is this? lacto-fermentation happens when the starches and sugars (fructose, glucose, etc) in vegetables and fruit convert to lactic acid by a friendly lactic-acid producing bacteria called lactobacillus. this conversion process alters the nutrient content, pre-digests the food (making nutrients more accessible to your body!), creates enzymes that help you digest, and promotes bacteria that will actually help with issues like candidiasis. it also preserves food, so that a jar of fermented fruit or veggies in your fridge will last months instead of days like raw fresh fruit/veggies. it actually gets healthier (and many say tastier) with time.
Making fermented fruit chutney
for 1 litre jar:
-4 cups chopped fruit, ideally some core fruit like apples or pears and a few other things for colour and flavour (it’s plum season right now!)
-1 cup chopped sweet onion
-1 lemon, juiced
-1 tb grated ginger
-2 tsp kosher* salt (look for any salt without iodine, silicone, sugar... - ingredients should just be salt)
Start by boiling a big pot of water. Once it is boiling, put your big jar and a smaller one that fits inside (for a weight) into the water and let it boil 5-10 minutes. Take out and let cool on a clean surface.
Slice onions thinly, and slice thin wedges of fruit. For softer fruit like plums don’t worry about the size and shape of the pieces. Mix the fruit, salt, lemon juice and ginger. Pack the mixture into your sterilized large jar. The juices should cover the top (press down with your fist) of the solid fruit. Put a smaller jar on top to weight any chunks down (expansion will happen in the next few days, so if you find that the jar is floating and needs more weight, just fill it with water and press down - check it daily and press it down when necessary). Cover with a plastic bag to deter fruit flies, and leave out for 3-6 days (depending how warm the room is and how sour you like it). Taste it, it should be barely sweet if at all, perhaps a bit fizzy feeling, and very delicious. Put a lid on it but don’t seal it airtight as it will continue to expand slightly, and put in the refrigerator. This is better eaten within a few months, so don’t make huge batches and share it with your friends if you have too much!
Basic Fermentation Precautions
1. Sterilize tools as much as possible. Boiliing jars and tools in hot water for a few minutes is a good way to do this. Use glass or stainless steel, ideally. (it can get hot and doesn't off-gas carcinogens)
2. Don't kill your good bacteria! Some things you wouldn't expect will kill your culture (chlorinated water, iodine in salt, bergamot in earl grey tea). Also don't cook it, if beneficial bacteria is what you’re after!
3. If it seems weird, it just might be no good. Use your senses and your brain. Common indicators of problems are: mold, discoloration, funky smells.
Basic Lacto-Fermentation Factors
1. Temperature
2. Time
3. Amount of fermentable material
4. Amount of salt
have fun experimenting!
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