as i write this, i am eating food that not only am i not hungry for, but that i know makes my body hurt.
my food obsession, while mostly a wonderful passion, has some nasty elements as well. i have a mind/body disconnect, a battle over what my body knows and my mind thinks. typically, the struggle goes like this:
body: aaah that [food] was satisfying.
mind: it tasted so good! we like good tastes! must keep that sensation going!
body: no thanks, i've had enough.
mind: fuck you! it's not about you!
body: but it is! it really is!
mind: i'm higher up, and i think that since eating is pleasurable and pleasure is good then surely eating all the time is good. so there. (convinces me to eat more)
mind: hahahaha fuck you i won.
today i read that for leaky gut, not overeating is crucial to healing. grrr8.
i was about to write that i don't know what to do, that i am stuck. i'm not though, i know exactly what to do. get the fuck out of my apartment. having a lot of time on my hands spent at home is consistently one of the worst things for me health. i love spending time at home, and am very grateful that i am able to, but for now, i haven't found ways to convince myself not to eat [things that make me sick or that i am not hungry for] when i have time on my hands and food ever-available. i am aware that both of these things are huge privileges, but i'm not going to pretend that i don't struggle with them anyway.
really looking forward to september, all the exciting projects i'll be starting, and being necessarily limited by time.
but! i must still find the time for all of the fermentation!
so far there are nearly 30 people interested in my home ferments, and at this point i've got capacity for 3 distro jars per week! something's gotta give.
today i sent out my first batch, which is delicious. here's what it looks like, and another one bubbling behind.
as i mentioned last time i base a lot on colour, and this one was challenging because the colours were rather odd and at one point i was convinced it would just stay ugly. but then, suddenly, it changed! i must learn to have faith in the culture.